The Top 5 Films to See Us Through Sandy (aka Hurricane Horror)

Posted on October 29, 2012 by Ben

by Annie Riordan

So here I am in Providence, Rhode Island, living at the bottom of a hill in a sub-basement on the banks of a large fishing pond and butted up against a steep incline littered with splintery trees leaning at precarious angles. And here comes Hurricane Sandy, aka Frankenstorm, aka Superstorm, aka We Are So Fucked. My kitchen table is loaded down with bottled water, packs of batteries, candles and a pumpkin that I have yet to carve. The power has already gone out once and there’s no reason to believe that it won’t go out again. Best case scenario: I am inconvenienced for a couple of days, unable to shower or eat hot food. Worst Case Scenario: I open a public swimming pool in my living room at the end of the week. Really Worstest Case Scenario: one of those leany trees out back smashes through my window and skewers my head like a toothpick in a martini olive.

Still, all of the above scenarios pale in comparisons to the ones listed below. And I need to hurry up and finish this article before the power blows out again. I’m in it for the long haul, but things could be worse. Much worse.

#1 The Mist

I might wake up Wednesday morning, stupidly thinking that the worst is over, and see a huge wall of mist rolling across the fishing pond and obliterating everything in its path. I might have time to make it to the Stop & Shop around the corner, just in time to watch the mist roll in and swallow the small township I live in, ripping a hole into a dimension filled with giant spiders, gargantuan hornet-bat-things and whatever the hell this elephantine tentacled thing is. Hmmm, wait until the neighbors go insane and demand a blood sacrifice, or venture outside and be torn apart like fresh bread by a freakish monster with a segmented thorax? Yeah, fuck that. I’m heading for the pharmacy and ODing on Ambien.

#2 Burning Bright

I might wake up tomorrow morning mid-storm and find myself boarded up and locked in with a 600 pound half starved Siberian tiger roaming around the apartment. And me fresh out of hamburger.

#3 Identity

The highest winds and heaviest rains are due to hit tonight. There are 24 units in this apartment complex, all of them occupied. But what if this entire building turns out to be my own mind, all of the apartments within just sections of my memories, all of the neighbors just different personalities housed within my brain? Seriously, some of my neighbors are scary as hell. If I find out any of them are from Florida, or share the same birthday as me, I’m nailing myself shut in the closet crawlspace until this shit blows over.

#4 Jurassic Park

Power outage is a given right now. It’s gonna happen, we just don’t know when. But when it does, Imma pulling the blinds and keeping as still as possible. I seriously just about shit myself when a goddamned doe wandered out of the woods this weekend and took a peek in our window. What the fuck am I gonna do if a mutherfucking T-Rex saunters up and squints at the snack-sized stupid white girl waving her plastic flashlight around like a dork? Sightseeing is discouraged during hurricanes for a reason.

#5 Storm of the Century

Imagine. The biggest hurricane of the century and you’re right in its path, stranded on an island and cut off from the world for the duration. You’ve got enough to worry about already, but noooooo. An ancient demonic man-monster picks precisely this time to come ashore and demand you hand over your firstborn. Thank god I never had kids. Also thank god that neither this miniseries nor Hurricane Sandy involved Mick Garris in any way shape or form. That would have been too horrifying to endure.

So, while the storm rages outside today and tonight, blowing your Halloween decorations over to the next county and turning your patio furniture into tangled bundles of rags, just remember: it could be worse. Good luck, fellow East Coasters. Keep safe. Stay out of the mist, keep clear of the ‘raptor fences and do not use raw meat as an after-bath splash. Just in case.

%d bloggers like this: