Review: Grave Encounters 2
Review by Annie Riordan
Grave Encounters 2? Shit, I didn’t even know there was a Grave Encounters 1. Now I have two movies I have to watch. Great. Not that anyone told me I HAD to watch the first Grave Encounters before I watched its forthcoming sequel. But… I am a professional. I felt I owed it to my fans to watch both the original and the sequel it inspired, in order to provide them with a far more erudite synopsis of the intricately structured story which illustrates the complex evolution of the mythos so artfully created, which itself further explores the maturation of the horror genre as a whole.
I have no idea what the fuck I just said.
Anyway, yeah, I watched the first one. Meh, it was alright. I’ve seen worse. Seen better too. But considering the fact that I never miss an episode of Ghost Adventures or Paranormal Witness or Psychic Kids, maybe my opinion isn’t the best one to be considering. I love all that shit with the MelMeters and the EVP recorders and the Ovilus thingies and the EMF whatchamacallums. I’m a nerd. And so I found myself reasonably entertained by the first Grave Encounters, in which a a group of shyster ghost hunters get locked down in an abandoned insane asylum and are swallowed whole by the spirits within. I give it a fat two and a half on a scale of five.
And thus begins the sequel, with a squadron of douchey little film critics voicing their own opinions of the first GE flick via YouTube, where it will receive slightly more views than if they had posted it on Friendster or Google+. Some loved it, some hated it, and film student Alex Wright is fucking obsessed with it. Alex has a really weird face. He also can’t hold his liquor and has a bad habit of thinking he can make movies that other people might actually want to see someday. Alex believes that GE was real, and says so on his video channel. When he gets a couple of leads from a user known only as “Death Awaits” his suspicions are confirmed, and he finally decides to abandon the slasher film he’s been working on and pick up where the previous team left off. GREAT idea, fuckmuffin! Hey, while you’re at it, why don’t douse yourself with gasoline and walk past Kjetil Haraldstad while he’s doing one of his art piece performances?
So anyway, Alex, his douchebag film crew and his leading girl Jennifer pack up and head out to find the old asylum and investigate it for themselves with all cameras running. They act like typical college brats, piss off everyone they cross paths with and deserve everything they get. The end.
Outside of a dead, headless mole, there isn’t anyone who won’t see exactly where this film is heading, what it’s going to meet along the way and who’s going to die in what order. I believe it may even have been intended as a spoof of itself and its predecessor, but it’s not all that funny. Or scary. Or even at all interesting. It’s like watching an old episode of Ghost Hunters, but with all of the ghosty parts cut out and just the whiny drama of Brian Harnois and Donna Lacroix left in and stretched out over an hour and a half.
And I’m going public here to horror filmmakers everywhere: STOP USING SCARY LITTLE GIRLS WITH MESSY HAIR IN YOUR MOVIES! They’re not scary. They’re about as annoying as those papercuts you get on your finger and don’t notice until you pick up a freshly sliced lemon. They’ve been passé since that wretched Ringu remake in 2002. Yes, I hated The Ring remake. Another thing you might want to keep in mind before heeding my advice.
I’m not a teenager. I haven’t been for a long time. I don’t scare easily. In the never-to-be-forgotten words of Winston Zeddmore, I have seen shit that will turn you white. I have also seen stuff that makes shit that has dried up and actually turned white look appealing by comparison. This flick falls somewhere in between. Make of that what you will. I’ve watched nothing but disappointing films for the last couple of days and I give even less of a fuck than I usually do. Do whatever the hell you want. I don’t care. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.