No Costume, No Candy: the Sexiest Trick-or-Treaters Ever
By Ben Bussey
Joy of joys – October is upon us, and many of us are no doubt contemplating what we’re going to be for Halloween. However, there comes a time – for the ladies, at least – when the spookiest night of the year ceases to be about dressing up cute and creepy in an innocent kind of way, and starts being about turning oneself into a rather less-than innocent fantasy temptress. Sure, as a male this writer isn’t too directly affected by all this, but all you need to do is look up women’s Halloween costumes online and you’ll be hard pressed to find a single item anywhere whose product description does not include the word ‘sexy.’ You could be going as anything from an anaesthetist to a zoologist, but you can pretty much guarantee it’s going to hug the hips, flaunt the legs and push up the cleavage. It’s something we can easily criticise as detracting from the real meaning and essence of Halloween, not to mention the whole objectification of women thing… but what the hell, I think I can speak for most of the boys and a fair percentage of the girls when I say we wouldn’t have it any other way.
Naturally, no Halloween-set film or TV show is complete without a little costume-clad eye candy; and somehow even the sexiest stars of the screen only wind up more alluring in seasonal fancy dress. Here are a few trick-or-treaters most of us would be very happy indeed to find knocking on our door on October 31st.
Anna Paquin – Trick ‘r Treat (2007)
It’s easy to forget now that there was once a time when we had not long since grown accustomed to the sight of Ms Paquin stripping bollock naked and getting rogered rigid every which way on a weekly basis. However, way back in 2007 (and still in 2009, when Trick ‘r Treat was finally released) it was a revelation seeing Ms Paquin looking foxy as hell in a Red Riding Hood suit. Given how good she looks, it is a little hard to swallow her as a 22 year old virgin, but as anyone who’s seen the film knows she’s not quite the sweet and innocent thing she initially seems. For all us hound dogs, her segment is surely the most entertaining in this great little movie which, barely three years after it was finally released, is already a firmly established Halloween classic.
Jessica Alba – Idle Hands (1999)
It’s also easy to forget there was a time before someone persauded Jessica Alba that the way to get ahead was to slim down to stick figure stature and utilise every means possible to look white. Thankfully she had not yet undergone that transformation back when she starred in this dumb but fun attempt to splice post-Scream teen horror with stoner humour, with a sizeable chunk of Evil Dead 2 thrown into the mix. Sure, Alba’s romance with Devon Sawa’s partially possessed pothead is even less convincing than the notion that she’s some kind of riot grrrl bass player, but once she’s at the Halloween dance in that little angel costume, strangely waving her arms around as The Offspring play I Wanna Be Sedated, who wouldn’t want to drunkenly mosey over and try to give her harp strings a pluck? (Sorry, I’m not even sure what that’s supposed to be an innuendo for, it just sounded suitably pervy.)
Linnea Quigley – Night of the Demons (1988)
What could be a more welcome sight at your door on Halloween night than a feisty blonde nymphet in a frilly pink tutu which makes little or no pretence to conceal her pert buttocks? Well hello Ms Quigley; yes, we certainly will give you something good to eat, though we’re half-tempted to opt for the trick just to see what form it would take. And given this film’s most iconic scene, the trick would almost certainly involve her boobs and a tube of lipstick.
Alyson Hannigan – Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Season 2 – 1998)
Back before she became the out-and-proud lesbian witch drooled over by TV viewers worldwide, Hannigan’s Willow was the embodiment of the shy girl whose insecurity did little to mask her sheer delectability. So when Buffy persuaded her to come out of her shell in season two’s Halloween episode, kitting her out in a non-specific midriff exposing, mistress of desire garb, it was a welcome surprise. I mean, how many insecure bookworm girls have you seen with rock hard abs like that? And she’s supposed to be the ugly duckling at Sunnydale High? God, how many of us would have liked to go to school there…
Angela Bettis – May (2002)
Yes, Halloween is indeed a time for coming out of one’s shell, and you can’t really do that in a more spectacular fashion than heading out on a vengeful killing spree. The amateur seamstress and surgeon crafts an outfit to match that of her one lifelong friend – the glass-encased doll her surface-obsessed mother gave her as a child – and hits the streets to find the parts she needs to make a ‘real’ friend. And while she’s scary as hell, there’s always something strangely alluring about a woman who’s out for your blood.
Famke Janssen – 100 Feet (2008)
Well okay, only one quick scene in this movie covers Halloween, and Famke Janssen’s character can’t exactly go door-to-door for candy given that she’s under house arrest with an electric ankle bracelet, serving out the remainder of her sentence for killing her abusive husband. However, this does ensure she is trapped in the house in which the wife-beating bastard met his end, with only his distinctly pissed-off ghost for company. Anyway, brief though the Halloween scene may be, the gorgeous Ms Janssen does get to don a very agreeable Snow White costume to hand out goodies to the neighbourhood kids. The ankle bracelet puts most of them off, but I daresay most of us would happily take a scoop of that candy.
Katharine Isabelle – Ginger Snaps (2000)
To my alarm and dismay, none of our entries thus far have dressed up as one of the classic monsters; another sad reflection of how de-fanged Halloween has long since become. Ms Isabelle’s turn in this modern great stands testament to the fact that you can still go out on Halloween as a real monster without compromising one’s sex appeal. Sure, she takes it to an extreme in that, rather than simply donning a costume, she literally metamorphoses into a lycanthrope – but hey, perhaps there’s something to be said for that kind of method approach…?
Diora Baird – Night of the Demons (2009)
What could be a more welcome sight at your door on Halloween night than a feisty blond nymphet in a black rubber cat-suit which makes little or no pretence to conceal her pneumatic bosom? Well hello Ms Baird; yes, we certainly will… what’s that? Déjà vu? Ah, what can we say. Adam Gierasch’s remake doesn’t stray too far from the original, but it cranks up the gore and sex appeal even higher. The key joke is that both Diora Baird and Bobbi Sue Luther have opted to go as cats; but though Quigley’s role is officially taken by Luther (who is of course quite the tasty trick-or-treater herself, to say nothing of co-stars Shannon Elizabeth and Monica Keena) it’s Baird who really takes the blood-splattered tiara for Halloween queen this time around, thanks in no small part to her recreation of the iconic boobs and lipstick scene. And man those are some iconic boobs. Nuff said.
Deborah Ann Woll – True Blood (Season 4 – 2011)
What’s that – yet more déjà vu? One Red Riding Hood costume wasn’t enough? Well, you really can’t have too much of a good thing, as Ms Woll proved when she donned this wolf-baiting garb for a Halloween-set episode of True Blood in season 4. And, as anyone who saw the episode can confirm, Jason Stackhouse most definitely wound up with a treat. As Jessica, she earned her place in our top ten sexiest vampires, and she earns her place here just as easily.
Brandon Lee – The Crow (1994)
Yes, I’m secure enough in my sexuality to list a dude. Let’s not forget Satan’s lament in South Park; just how many millions of guys have got dressed up as The Crow at costume parties because they want to look hot and score? And like they say, 60% of the time it works every time. The Crow may be hammy, sentimental and up to its hickey-ridden neck in 90s-isms, but it’s long since cemented as something of an alternative seasonal favourite at Halloween, not unlike Lethal Weapon or Die Hard at Christmas. Here’s to Devil’s Night – our second favourite holiday.
Sally – The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
Oh come on, we’re all thinking it, I’m just saying it…
PJ Soles – Halloween (1978)
Okay, so she totally doesn’t have a costume, but do we really care? She’s PJ Motherfucking Soles, and she has come trick-or-treating as the vivacious cheerleader that everyone’s desperate to bang, who just so happened to leave her uniform at home. If you’re complaining, you really need to sort out your priorities. Yes, Ms Soles, we DO see something we like, and we’re still not tired of looking thirty-four years later.