The Top 7 Most Non-Scary Movie Monsters Ever
(or, “So Not Scary That I Peed Myself Laughing”)
by Annie Riordan
1. The Happening – Fuck you, M. Night. Shyamallaramma-lamma-ding-dong. I knew Bruce Willis was dead within the first five minutes of The Sixth Sense, I only watched The Village because I thought Joaquin Phoenix was hot and I only watch your other movies when I run out of Ambien. However, THIS one takes the mutherfucking cake. Ladies and Gentlemen, for the next hour and a half, you will see the world terrorized by…drum roll…wait for it…A MODEST BREEZE! That’s right, a goddamned 5 to 10 mile an hour wind on a fair to partly cloudy day will be your main antagonist here. Oh the sheer horror! Shall I wear a wrap or a pullover? Will my Aqua Net hold as promised? God, the nerve shredding TENSION!
2. Night of the Lepus – Giant bunny rabbits. Come on, really? I mean, I know it was the 70s and everyone was hopped up on the mary jane and the groovy acid, but really? I mean, sure – most of the really scary stuff – tarantulas, ants, Glen Langan in a diaper – had already been snapped up, but you went with rabbits. Why not giant hedgehogs? Or a giant duck billed platypus? Giant eyelash mites, maybe? No, wait…giant dwarf hamsters! Giant harp seal cubs! Giant rubber duckies! ANYTHING but bunny rabbits. I think the most you’d have to worry about from a herd of rabbits is the possibility of them humping you to death.
3. Evil Behind You – Oh yeah, gotta love this film. Evil Muslim Socialist Jesus-hating Terrorists unleash invisible demons upon a couple of devout Christians and are shocked when their dastardly plan fails and they are dragged off to Hell. Gag. I think the only reason that the Mideast didn’t start a riot over this piece of propagandized shit a la “The Innocence of Muslims” is not because they haven’t seen it, but because they HAVE seen it and realized what a ridiculously childish load of underwhelming crap it is. Seriously, it’s an hour of: “Oh my gosh! There’s an invisible demon torturing me right now, even though no one, myself included, can see it or the wounds it is apparently inflicting!” Yeah. These are the kind of people who keep pulling their dad’s finger well into their forties.
4. Ju-On: White Ghost/Black Ghost – Oh my god, this is adorable. Tiny little Japanese gramma keeps waddling up to people with a basketball clutched in her hands. She’s so CUTE! She just wants to play catch, and maybe make you some homemade ginger cookies and stuff a $5 bill in your purse when you aren’t looking and maybe talk about her rheumatism for a while, where’s the harm in that?
5. Dark House – Jesus. I could slap a fright wig on a jack-o-lantern carved by a serial killer and it would be far more frightening than this bitch. This is supposed to be a ghost? She looks like Kim Kardashian in 30 years. What exactly is her evil superpower? Standing in front of me at the drugstore and fishing through her wallet for 20 minutes in search of her out-of-date coupons?
6. Virus X – I know I’m risking another spew of demented hatemail from Domiziano D’arcangeli’s obsessed psycho of a gay stalker here, but fuck it. Seriously, look at this pic? You want me to be terrified by the lead singer of the BulletBoys in a full body leotard? I could throw a fucking powder puff at this guy and he’d run away crying like a little bitch. He looks and sounds like he should be selling men’s imposter fragrances out of a suitcase at a strip mall kiosk.
7. Vampire Journals – Oh man, but I do love Subspecies. The original, the sequel, the 3rd one…well, maybe not the 4th one so much. But yeah, Radu Vladislas is da MAN! I can only assume that his decision to turn Ash into a vampire came at an early stage in his career, and he was going more for quantity rather than quality. Why else turn this lisping, foppish Michael Bolton impersonator into the most pansyassed vampire ever seen outside of a glitter factory? I’ve seen scarier puff pastries. I seriously believe that Ash could get his ass kicked by a flock of Marshmallow Peeps. Somebody take away his crimping iron, stat!