“I Went Home With YOU?!” The Top 5 Most Disgusting Sex Scenes in Horror
by Annie Riordan
We’ve all had shitty sex. Hell, if it weren’t for shitty sex some of us might never have had sex at all. You guys wonder why we women go to the bathroom together? Yeah, we’re talking about your dick. It’s true. We’re inventing new nicknames for you and your friends. Mr. Premature Ejaculator. Mr. Pushing a Rope Uphill. Mr. Teeny Weenie. Mr. Foreplay is for Fags. Deal with it, guys. We talk just as much shit about you as you do about us. We’re just more discreet about it.
Sex can be difficult for women. We want to enjoy it, but sometimes you guys just don’t make it possible. And since we’re brought up believing that we must always be polite, we’re usually not going to tell you that you suck. We’re hoping you’ll figure it out as you go. For god’s sake, the female body is a playground. Have fun with it, don’t just rub up against the slide for five seconds and say you’re done. If we girls don’t get off, we get frustrated. And all of that frustration starts leaking out and taking new and hideous shapes, birthing monstrosities and forcing us to imagine how sex could possibly get any more disappointing.
And sometimes those frustrated fantasies take shape, grow legs and find their way into horror films…
#1 Re-Animator (1985)
Well duh, this one was painfully obvious so let’s just get it over with right now. I was going to say it was a No Brainer, but that would have been an even worse pun than the one already on display, as the evil and dastardly (and plagiaristic) Dr. Hill picks up his own severed head and shoves it between the yanked open thighs of Megan Halsey. Unfortunately, Hill’s taste of the promised land is rudely cut short by the uptight and eternally asexual Herbert West, who wouldn’t know what an orgasm was if one was handed to him in a petri dish. Probably just as well anyway. Megan wasn’t into it at all, and Hill might have found himself tonguing a slit drier than a scrap of sandpaper in the Gobi desert.
#2 Galaxy Of Terror (1981)
People with deep seated psychological and sexual issues shouldn’t go wandering around in deep space, I think that’s pretty much the lesson here. Not only did Taaffe O’Connell neglect to don any underwear beneath her space suit, she also made the unwise decision to go wandering off alone in an alien labyrinth with her frigidity intact and her Freudian fear of worms at the forefront of her mind. Small wonder then that a ten foot long maggot with an infinite number of slime-expelling proboscides covering its segmented thorax should choose that exact moment to squirm out of the dark, rip Taaffe’s cheap coveralls off (what, did you get those things at Wal-Mart?) and frantically lick her right into multiple orgasm heaven. Taaffe’s screams of horror quickly turn into gasps of pleasure, followed by a death rattle that may or may not have inspired Type O Negative’s ode to death by sex “Love You To Death.”
#3 Tetsuo (1989)
Man, you finally get a quiet night alone with your boyfriend, just a cozy little dinner for two at your place, and his penis turns into an industrial sized power drill. I don’t even mean those dinky little Black and Decker dealios that dad used to leave laying around in the garage either. Remember the Gobots? In particular, Screwhead? Yeah, imagine a 3 foot tall Screwhead hanging out of your boyfriend’s open zipper, grinding and gnashing and eager to turn your feminine funhouse into a raw hamburger stand. It would be at this point that I would highly recommend seeing other people.
#4 MOH: Sick Girl (2006)
Finding Mr. or Ms. Right is a challenge for anyone these days. Ida Teeter has the added burden of being both a lesbian and an entomologist. Ida’s massive bug collection would freak out even the most cynical exterminator, and it’s putting a serious dent in her love life…until she meets fellow lesbo bug freak Misty. It seems like perfection incarnate, until Ida finds herself in a love triangle. Misty has taken up with one of Ida’s “friends” – an unclassified South American mantis who’s been skull-fucking Misty at every available opportunity, giving Misty the ol’ in and out through her sweet pink earhole with his impressive proboscis. And you know the old saying: once you’ve had Mantis, you’ll never want anything else in your pantis…or something.
#5 Possession (1981)
Sam Neill is worried that his wife is in love with someone else. He has reason to worry. His wife is played by Isabelle Adjani, one of the most gorgeous women in the world. Who in his or her right mind wouldn’t want to fuck her? She could have her pick. But when Sam’s fears are finally confirmed, when he finally walks in on Izzy and catches her in the act of fucking someone else, right there on the bare floor in front of God and everyone, you know he’s got to be thinking: “She dumped me for THAT?” I mean, what the fuck even IS that thing? Is that a giant snake? Are those tentacles? Is it Medusa’s kid brother, banging the shit out of our heroine? The poor lighting and brief glimpses aren’t enough to classify the man-sized, slimy, reptilian thing that is humping away on top of Isabelle like a poodle on a wooden leg. But it looks icky, and is apparently insatiable. And why Adjani didn’t spend the remainder of the film lurching around bowlegged is a mystery.