Admit it. We all own at least one. That movie soundtrack to a film you either never saw or wish you hadn’t seen, buried beneath a pile of CDs in your closet or stuffed into a wallet in the back of your car. My purchase of the “Singles” soundtrack had a lot more to do with the video for Alice In Chains’ “Would?” than it did with my being a Kyra Sedgewick fan…which I’m not. At all. Did anyone even see that movie, which was about as accurate a portrayal of the Seattle grunge scene of the late 80s, early 90s as “The Untouchables” was historically accurate in its depiction of the life and times of Al Capone? (cough)
Anyway, the one fallback of shitty movies is a good, strong, memorable soundtrack. A strong supporting cast of talented musicians and popular bands can keep a shitty film afloat long after the time it should have been flushed away and forgotten like the stinking turd it was and would definitely have remained without that music. Sometimes you luck out and get both, i.e. The Crow: awesome movie, phenomenal soundtrack. But most times you get shit like the list which follows…
Queen of the Damned (2002)
The Movie: Expressionless girl falls in love with arrogant rock star/vampire boy. Kind of a precursor to Twilight without the glitter.
Why it Sucked: Because it’s just Twilight without the glitter.
Redeeming Moment: Lestat to Marius: “How did you manage to slip through the 50’s in red velvet?”
Soundtrack: Static X, Disturbed, Deftones, Marilyn Manson, Kidneythieves and, of course, Chester Bennington of Linkin Park.
Best Song: The popular vote would be for “System” by the aforementioned Bennington, but I’m personally choosing “Cold” by Static X, which perfectly captures the predatory nihilism of the true vampire’s nature.
Trick Or Treat (1986)
The Movie: Nerdy boy bullied to breaking point seeks advice/revenge from heavy metal DJ Gene Simmons. Never a good idea.
Why it Sucked: It didn’t really suck, it was just kinda cheesy and didn’t age well.
Redeeming Moment: Ozzy Osbourne as a Televangelist.
Best Song: “Trick Or Treat” as performed by a burn-scarred, lip-synching Tony Fields as the undead Satanic rock star Sammi Curr.
Zombie Nightmare (1986)
The Movie: Pretty much the same plot as I Know What You Did Last Summer, except with bigger hair.
Why it Sucked: Because it just did. Really hard, and really bad. Look, it ended up on MST3K, need I say more?
Redeeming Moment: None.
Soundtrack: Motorhead, Girlschool, Thor, Deathmask, Pantera, Battalion and Fist.
Best Song: It’s a tie between Motorhead’s “Ace Of Spades” and Pantera’s “Midnite Man.” How can you choose between two such iconic bands?
Hellraiser 3: Hell On Earth (1992)
The Movie: Pinhead takes over a goth dance club.
Why it Sucked: It was just silly as hell. No pun intended.
Redeeming Moment: Paula Marshall’s wardrobe.
Soundtrack: Motorhead (again), House of Lords, Chainsaw Kittens, Triumph, Armored Saint and KMFDM.
Best Song: As much as I love Armored Saint and respect Motorhead, I have to go with KMFDM on this one. Their music is just so genuinely disturbing and the perfect accompaniment to any horror film.
(Editor’s note: couldn’t find an appropriate KMFDM clip, so here’s Motorhead instead. Clive Barker directed this video, don’t you know.)
House of 1000 Corpses (2003)
The Movie: Every single slasher film ever made.
Why it Sucked: Because it’s every single slasher film ever made.
Redeeming Moment: The 30 second long drawback shot between the time Otis Driftwood raises the gun to the time he fires the bullet into the cops head.
Soundtrack: Mostly Rob Zombie (kind of a no-brainer there.)
Best Song: I would have voted for Rob’s remix of “Brick House” had it not contained the faked-orgasm squealing of Sheri Moon, which ruins the mood faster than a bucket of cold water. Therefore, the hard-driving and powerfully violent “Run Rabbit Run” gets the gold star.
Black Roses (1988)
The Movie: Heavy metal band turns kids into demons with their music.
Why it Sucked: Because there’s no discernible difference between the regular teens and the demon possessed ones.
Redeeming Moment: The slick, glossy, three dimensional cover box that the film was eventually released in.
Soundtrack: Black Roses, Bang Tango, Lizzy Borden, King Kobra, Tempest and Hallow’s Eve.
Best Song: Gonna have to go with D.I.E. by Hallow’s Eve, here.
I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997)
The Movie: Improbably good looking teens have sex, accidentally kill some dude and then get picked off one by one by a boogeyman in a yellow rain slicker. Yawn.
Why it Sucked: A car trunk full of crabs and the horror of a professional haircut. Bitch, please.
Redeeming Moment: The opening credits. It’s all downhill from there.
Soundtrack: Type O Negative, Kula Shaker, The Offspring, Soul Asylum and Korn.
Best Song: Type O Negative’s cover of Seals & Crofts “Summer Breeze” – a fluffy little airheaded love song turned into a portent of doom by the late great Peter Steele’s amazingly demonic baritone.