Annie’s casting choices for Lords of Chaos
by Annie Riordan
Like it or not, the 2009 documentary Until the Light Takes Us made black metal popular. I would say “again” but it never really was popular outside of the small circle of metalheads who actually listened to that unlistenable shit back in the day. It was never meant to be popular. Until the Light Takes Us was not made with the intention of making black metal “cool” to a new generation of metalheads who wouldn’t know good metal if it was forcibly shoved up their rectums. It just kinda happened. It was an extremely well done film, word spread and pretty soon my Tumblr dashboard was clogged with pictures of Fenriz posted by adoring 15 year old girls who swore they’d been Darkthrone fans for “years.” Yeah right, Brittani. I think your recent devotion has more to do with the fact that the average recorded penis length of the Norwegian male is 14 inches.
Usually, such a successful film would spawn scores of imitators, but it’s kinda difficult to imitate a documentary. Besides, Varg Vikernes was released from prison in 2009 and I can think of very few people who possess the pure steel balls to interview him without benefit of an armed guard standing by. That said, the 1998 book Lords Of Chaos: The Bloody Rise of the Satanic Metal Underground – a non-fiction work whose verisimilitude has been hotly debated and oftentimes outright contested (see burzum.org for that whole mess) – was announced as the next film to be made about the Black Circle. Rather than a documentary, this was to be a docudrama, and would star Jackson Rathbone of recent Twilight fame as Norwegian musician, arsonist and convicted murderer Varg Vikernes.
The interwebs erupted in outraged fury. How DARE some glittering pansy-assed vampire boy be slated to play the Lord of the Northern Darkness? It was unthinkable! It was blasphemy! It was totally ridiculous. I was ready to join in the furor until Audrey Ewell pointed out to me the fact that Sion Sono (Suicide Club) was set to direct. Then I just felt stupid. It’s just a fucking movie, and Rathbone backed out anyway due to scheduling conflicts. The project seems to have been shelved for the time being. So, while we’re waiting, let’s play the Movie Casting Game.
Who do YOU want to see playing Varg? Or Euronymous? Or Dead? Come on, it’s just speculation, it’s not like we have the power to actually cast this bitch. Or do we?
Here’s my credit roll:
Varg Vikernes (Count Grishnakh) – Cory Knauf. This guy has not only the passing resemblance, he’s also got the facial expressions…or should I say the cold lack thereof? His smile isn’t as chilly, but he can work on that. Want proof? Check out The Violent Kind, an underrated horror flick in which Knauf plays a remote and sullen biker.
Kjetil Haraldstad (Frost) – Ezra Miller. I saw a picture of this kid posing with a nail-studded mace somewhere when I was reviewing We Need To Talk About Kevin. It was an obvious nod to the famous shot of Vikernes with mace in hand, but Miller’s dark good looks and elongated features are eerily identical to Kjetil Haraldstad’s, a man who is often referred to (along with King Ov Hell and Fenriz) as being the prettiest black metaller of the bunch.
Bard Eithun (Faust) – Keir O’Donnell. I saw O’Donnell in the mostly forgettable slasher Amusement and his performance was the main reason that the movie was not entirely forgettable. He has a similar facial structure to Bard, and he’s already played a murderer (Eithun served 9 years of a 14 year sentence for the stabbing death of a homosexual man in Lillehammer, Norway 1992), so we should be good to go.
Oystein Aarseth (Euronymous)- Ed Westwick. Honestly, Oystein Aarseth kinda looked like Johnny Depp. A scrawnier, nerdier, more stringy haired version of Depp, but the resemblance isn’t hard to see. Unfortunately, Depp is too old to play the Black Metal Mafioso, who died at the age of 25 after being stabbed repeatedly by the aforementioned Vikernes. Skeet Ulrich, the next in line to the Depp Doppleganger crown, is also too old now. So let us consider Ed Westwick, who could slap on a pair of glasses, sprout a few chin hairs and try to pretend he’s a badass, much like Euronymous himself did.
Jan Axel Blomberg (Hellhammer) – Gaspard Ulliel. I’m going more for atmosphere than physical resemblance with this one, although Ulliel has both the fine features and the pretty hair required to play the Mayhem drummer. He also has Hellhammer’s cold indifference, dismissive airs and smiling shrug down pat.
Per Yngwie Ohlin (Dead) – Lorcan Klebold. Lorcan’s not an actor, he’s just a really good looking friend of mine. True, Lorcan’s not a blond, but he could be talked into some hair bleach or perhaps a wig. God knows he’s been talked into weirder things.
Gylve Nagell (Fenriz) – Nobody. And the first person to suggest that Steve Buscemi should get the role is getting my boot up their ass. I don’t care how impressive his eyebags are, he’s too old and too icky. And don’t even THINK about suggesting Kid Rock. No. No no no no NO. Nobody plays Gylve BUT Gylve. Period, the end.