Finally, A Remake We Can All Approve Of… ‘Embrace of the Vampire.’

Posted on March 28, 2012 by Ben 2 Comments

by Ben Bussey

What a surprise; another week, and half the new movie news is remake-based. You may well have read elsewhere that the latest old favourite set to go before the cameras once again is Carrie. I’m going to go out on a limb and assume the majority of us are against this idea. We’ve long since gotten into a routine with these damned remakes: most of the time the general fan reaction is that they’re a bad thing, and most of the time that assessment is correct. But there are a few key grounds on which a remake can indeed be justified: first, and most significant, is if the original leaves room for improvement; second is if the film has aged badly, and could do with refurbishing for a new generation of viewers. Last but not least, a remake can be justified on these grounds: that it will entail lots and lots of gratuitous nudity. Now, on those grounds I don’t think we can approve of a Carrie remake (particularly not number three, if the lead is indeed to be taken by the – ‘ulp – 15 year old Chloe Moretz). However, we can on all three counts whole-heartedly stamp a seal of approval on a remake of Embrace of the Vampire, which as has also been widely reported is in the works courtesy of CineTel Films.

The 1995 original is fondly remembered for showcasing a post-Who’s The Boss, pre-Charmed Alyssa Milano and her post-augmentation breasts as Charlotte, a wholesome Catholic schoolgirl whose virginity is threatened by the emergence of a vampire (Martin Kemp, soon to revisit the arena of T&A-fuelled horror in Strippers Vs Werewolves) who believes her to be the reincarnation of his long-dead love. As the synopsis might suggest, it’s a real piece of shit/guilty pleasure /delete as applicable, and as such it comes as a bit of a surprise that it’s being remade by the same company behind the 2010 remake of I Spit On Your Grave. Makes one suspect they’re doing that very 21st century thing and making it ‘darker/edgier’… but happily it also makes it fair to assume they won’t shy away from going full-on with the sauce and the gore (though the original is considerably heavier on the former than the latter).

We’ve got nothing on this yet beyond the above concept art and the following brief synopsis, which sounds more or less the same as the original: “Charlotte is a timid and sheltered girl trying to forget her past. But she’ll soon discover that her future and her past are forever linked to a dark and dangerous truth.” But so long as we can expect a foxy young actress popping out of her top with great regularity, indulging in a spot of girl on girl action, and having vivid dreams of undead foursomes, then we’ll be happy. What can I say, simple things for simple minds.

But I’ll tell you this: I’ll be very impressed if they manage a trailer that’s half as funny as this oh-so 90s straight-to-video effort…

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  • Deaditor says:

    Holy fuckballs. How could a faceless studio exec fuck with this timeless classic?!!! Those bastards!!! Just kidding of course. Didn’t I do a write-up somewhere about this film? Wait… yes I did… Here it is:

    Now, if this is to be remade properly, with the same impact it had when it came out (meaning total flop) then we do need a NEW pop star to bare her better features. Someone who hasn’t done so to date and someone for whom we’re all clamoring to get more than just a fleeting glimpse of. I’m thinking something along the lines of when Anne Hathaway took the leading role in Havoc. Who gives a shit about the thug life – someone please fast forward to Ella Enchanted’s breasts! (God, I’m such a perv).

    So who’s it gonna be? Who do YOU want to see? That’s the real question.

  • UK Editor says:

    Marc – I actually already included above a link to your review/excuse to post naked pictures of Alyssa Milano. (Which is completely not the case with this post, of course. Ahem.)

    Yeah, whoever it is has to be some previously squeaky clean former child actress who’s never done nudity before, much as Alyssa was at the time. Dare I suggest Emma Watson…? Never gonna happen, I know, but we can dream.

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