Blu-ray Review: Apollo 18
by Marc Patterson
Space… what a weird place to set a horror film. Ha! Okay, obviously I jest. I mean, you should know I consider Alien to be only one of the finest horror films ever crafted. Perhaps what I meant to say is “An Apollo spacecraft – what a weird place to create a found footage horror film in and around”. Isn’t it just bizarre? I mean really, think on it for a minute. How interesting can you make three guys crammed into a spacecraft smaller in size than your average mid-sized sedan? You’d have to have one hell of a character study to pull it off. But a character study Apollo 18 isn’t. Maybe you need to watch the film first to see where I’m starting to go with this, but trust me when you do – you’ll quickly see what I mean.
Okay, so here’s the plot breakdown: NASA officially has run 17 Apollo missions. I know this. I still have all the patches from every mission, which I collected while on that Boy Scout trip to Cape Canaveral from eons ago when I was a kid. So, the premise of Apollo 18 should be clear to the would-be viewer. What all of us didn’t know (har har) is that in 1974 NASA ran another mission to the moon. It was a mission shrouded in secrecy, which is why no citizen for miles around the Kennedy Space Center saw the launch or heard that distinctive roar from that massive rocket being launched into the stratosphere. (Must have been at night).
ANYWAY… The astronauts go up, land on the moon, learn that the Department of Defense has some ulterior motives for sending them up. Then shit gets freaky. Apollo 18 is The Blair Witch in space. (how’s that for a blurb?) It’s a good dousing of cold-war era paranoia in the cold confines of space. It’s also a wild and crazy concept executed with all the ineptitude as we’d expect from some studio film. Sorry to say (no I’m not) but Corporate America just never gets it right. Give a marketing team something cute like Honey Badger and they fuck it up when they try to make a “viral” commercial. They don’t give a shit. They just want us to giggle and while they take our hard earned cash.
Well folks, they did it again. Apollo 18 is one huge stinker. This film flat out doesn’t work on any levels. It starts with the idea that the content is comprised of footage just now coming to light for the first time. That premise makes a big assumption that we would be so naive as to remotely believe the ludicrous tall tale about to be weaved, which obviously none of us do. I mean seriously, exec’s would have stood a better chance of convincing us Santa Claus still exists. But hell, I have kids. I’m willing to play along. That’s what good audiences do, right?
With belief firmly suspended I wade into the mire and muck. As was noted in our theatrical review, the director has conveniently planted cameras in every nook and cranny of every spacecraft, and even in places where you’d never think there should be a camera. The over-reaching directorial flair on display is enough to nauseate. Not from shaky cam. No, because it’s far too over-reaching. It’s unbelievable. How can I buy into this crazy story when there are more technical holes than a Looney Tunes cartoon? I’m not kidding. That spacecraft must have had more 16mm film and camera equipment than it did engine or scientific components. This is nuts.
Okay. Let’s forgive the hokey unbelievable premise. Let’s forgive the fact that there’s no possible way this was realistically film-able. Let’s even be preemptive and forgive the few cheap jump scares tossed our way here and there. Let’s instead just break this down and see what’s left. Wait… that would leave nothing. Well, nothing but the backdrop of deep space and three lifeless actors who were about as interesting to watch as space junk floating around earth.
Here’s the deal – It’s not the fault of the actors. Apollo 18 simply had no shot in hell. The filmmakers crafted an 87-minute towering inferno of failure upon a cracked launchpad, and with crummy o-rings. Far worse than any of the cinematic crimes it committed was that this was simply a boring film that failed to entertain on even the most base levels. While this echoes of nothing overtly different from what our reviewer outlined months ago, I’d take them to task on one point. This wasn’t a loud film that shouts and kicks violently. It was a sad and mumbling film, emitting the dullest of whimpers, that failed to even try.
