2011’s Biggest, Steamiest Cinematic Turds
by Annie Riordan
How best to compile a Year-End list of shitty movies? An ascending list, from invasive-horse-dick-sized-forcible-sodomy-awful to not-as-bad-as-a-battery-acid-enema abysmal? A Descending list perhaps, gently easing you down the shit-caked rectal chute to the boiling horror of Satan’s latrines with the assistance of some numbing Anal-Ease? And how exactly do I measure the vast shittitude of each film? There’s no flow chart for this job, no one prime example of Bloody Colonoscopic Magnitude to compare notes against. In the end (pun intended) I decided to do this alphabetically. I’ve had a tough year, and decided to make things easy on myself. Fuck it.
The Bleeding – Oh goody, just what we needed. A remake of The Fast & The Furious with vampires, starring a shaved and sweaty pitbull who makes Vin Diesel seem appealing by comparison, and an even-more-vapid-than-usual Kat Von D, who struts through the entire movie with her mouth slightly ajar, as if waiting for someone to jam their dick in there. I think she’s the only vampire I’ve ever seen who could possibly be killed by the massive amount of STD’s she’s undoubtedly contracted. I can only hope for Michael Madsen’s sake that he wasn’t acting for his thankless cameo role in this film, but was indeed actually shitass drunk for the duration of his screen time. Poor guy.
Bread Crumbs – Hansel and Gretel do a porno. No, not really. Come to think of it, that idea has actual merits, unlike this by-the-numbers sleazo-slasher. The cast and crew of a porno flick rent a cabin in the woods and get killed off by a couple of creepy kids. Wow. You know, I’ve seen actual porno flicks that made more of an effort at plot than this shitbrick, and had better dialog to boot.
Dark Fields – blahblahblah Indian curse, blahblahblah, drought, blahblahblah child sacrifice, blahblahblah oh HELL no I never needed to see Richard Lynch naked, thank you. Although the sight of his wobbly midsection was preferable to the pained looks of humiliation on the faces of Dee Wallace and David Carradine. So unrelentingly stupid, you can actually hear your brain cells screaming as they die a slow, agonizing death.
Insidious – InShittyAss, starring that chick from Damages, that guy from Watchmen and Sith Lord Darth Maul. Brought to you by those guys who did Saw and then never made another good movie ever again. Ridiculously corny, over-the-top and garishly cartoonish, this movie thought it could successfully combine Poltergeist with A Nightmare On Elm Street as written by Tex Avery and as visualized by Kenneth Anger. It thought wrong.
Ju-On: White Ghost/Black Ghost – Amazingly, this branch-off of Japan’s popular Ju-On series has nothing to do with Kayako Saeki and manages to suck harder than The Grudge 2, which starred Jennifer Beals, a gallon of milk and Amber Tamblyn’s rubber lips. Features the funniest fucking ghost possibly ever filmed in the shape of a tiny little Grandma who waddles through purgatory with a basketball in her hands. Scooby Doo Meets the Harlem Globetrotters was scarier than this movie, and a hell of a lot less boring.
Priest – Catholic Ninjas in dystopian Metropolis fight Old West Vampires on Star Wars supercycles. You think I’m fucking kidding? Neither Paul Bettany’s sweat and dirt smeared biceps, nor the feudal re-pairing of LOTR’s Brad Dourif and Karl Urban can save this flatliner. The melodrama flows as freely as maple syrup in July on the fucking equator. This is what happens when The Matrix Revolutions gets drunk and fucks BloodRayne: Deliverance without a condom. I want this movie DEAD, I want its makers DEAD, I want the set burned to the GROUND and I want everyone responsible for its conception ass-raped to death by Uruk-hai!
