True Blood Recap: 4.3 “If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin’?”
True Blood Recap: 4.3 “If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin’?”
by Britt Hayes
Editor’s note: This article, as well as all recap articles for True Blood, contains spoilers. If you have not watched this week’s episode we strongly encourage you NOT to read this article until you have done so. Thank you – The Management.
This week’s episode continues its descent into more soapish territory with Eric’s amnesia, which I imagine is a cheap plot to get Sookie to fall in love with him. I haven’t read the books, but from what I understand there was a rumor at some point about Eric being turned into a cat this season. Naturally this would make for incredibly boring television because I can’t possibly imagine a show where Alexander Skarsgard doesn’t get to walk around sans shirt. The rumor proved baseless since the cat is actually another character who hasn’t been introduced yet. Instead we get Eric with amnesia, which isn’t actually as annoying as it could be, though it is still incredibly Days of Our Lives.
We do get oodles of Pam this episode (which, by the by, should totally be a soup ‘cause I would eat the shit out of that soup), as she rushes to protect Eric immediately after Sookie tells her he can’t remember a thing. Pam begs Sookie to babysit Eric and keep him hidden in her house so the witches won’t find him if/when they come looking for him. The newly dumb Eric doesn’t know who Pam is, so we get this sweet moment when she’s menacing Sookie where he vampire-backhands her across the room.
Unfortunately we also visit Alcide this week (sad trombone) who is not at all surprisingly playing house with a sober Debbie. There seems to be absolutely zero reason for the return of Alcide aside from showing us how desperate Sookie is to land a man because apparently this girl never listened to that Destiny’s Child song in high school and can’t live without a man. Seriously. Get a grip, girl. No one likes desperation and since every dude you know is half-animal/undead, they all have this supernatural sense of smell, which means they can smell your desperation. Sure, it smells like fairies and Honey Bunches of Oats (according to Eric), but it also smells like the Real Housewives of Bon Temps and Boone’s Farm.
Speaking of relationships, Jessica goes to Bill for advice on her vampire cheating and he suggests she come clean to Hoyt. If he loves her, he’ll understand and they can work through it together. Bill is probably the last guy I’d go to for advice considering he’s a liar and as we saw last week, used to wear eyeliner. Still, he gives good advice and Jessica runs home to tell Hoyt the truth, only Hoyt’s not taking it as well as she’d hoped. What’s a girl to do? Jessica uses her glamour power to convince Hoyt to forgive and literally forget. Jessica is most definitely one of the more interesting characters because she’s still a new vampire, and as we’ve learned previously, being a new vampire is sort of like being an impulsive teenager, which she already was prior to being turned. She’s irresponsible with her “gifts,” which leads to sticky situations like this current one with the doting Hoyt.
Also interesting and damn creepy: Jessica’s baby doll who keeps ending up back in her bed. Side note: I have an aunt with a creepy story about a Ouija board she kept throwing in the dumpster only to have it wind up back on the shelf in her closet. I’m pretty sure she’s lying because she told me this when I was 12, but stories about things returning after you’ve thrown them out/destroyed them are always terrifying and I can’t wait to see how they explain the creepy doll. For the time being, Jessica has appropriately gifted the doll to Arlene’s devil baby.
Marnie is working on more permanently tapping into the spirit that allowed her to curse Eric, and this mostly involves cutting herself. Hey, Wicca and self-mutiliation? Marnie is one Cure record and a little eyeliner away from being thirteen! Maybe she should time travel and ask Bill for his.
Lafayette decides to confront Eric at Fangtasia, unaware of his amnesia, and ask for forgiveness for the whole witch circle/curse thing. Tara and Jesus go after him to make sure he doesn’t get locked up in the torture dungeon again and Tara ends up brandishing a gun with wooden bullets at our girl Pam. Pam demands that they present the guilty witch to her within 24 hours and she’ll let them all continue to live, which is just unfortunate. I really think she should just kill Tara anyway, on principle. You know, because she’s annoying and boring and I’m sick of looking at her face.
Sam and Tara have a shared moment prior to the Fangtasia outing, where Sam liquors Tara up and tries to flirt with her. Nothing is learned here and it’s best that we never speak of this moment again.
Tommy reverses all of his goodwill from last week when he answers the door to a natural gas proprietor who informs him Mrs. Fortenberry is sitting on top of a veritable goldmine of the stuff, so he gets to thinking he should buy her house out from under her and cash in on that real quick. He tells Sam about it, which is probably the dumbest thing Tommy has done. Yes, your brother who you just made amends because you promised you were on the straight and narrow is going to be the one to help you scam an older woman obsessed with Marie Osmond dolls out of her house. Where else will she put her Marie Osmond dolls and matching, seasonal muu-muus?! Where, Tommy?!?!?
Jason is still chained to a bed in Hotshot where his were-panther wounds are festering and Crystal promises this means “it’s working.” There’s a campfire story explaining the origins of the were-panthers that is very confusing but goes something like, “a panther ate a ghost mom and ghost daddy and then vomited them up and that’s how we got here.” It’s all very cats in the cradle or something.
Jason awakens from being were-rufied to find Crystal raping him, kind of, and the rest of the Hotshot girls lined up with flowers and eyes sparkling, waiting for their turn to ride. Crystal promises Jason they’ll be together forever after this and Jason finally comes to his senses, telling Crystal he wishes he’d never met this crazy junkie panther woman. The story has become more appealing to me in light of this hill person folklore and were-panther gang-rape, but I’m struggling to see why Crystal was introduced last season and painted as such a nice, lovely girl only to be recreated as a horrible, drug-addicted and desperate harpy this time around. Anyway, I guess we don’t like Crystal anymore, you guys.
The episode ends with Claudine returning and begging Sookie to go with her back to Fairy. Yes, they’re fairies and the live in a place called Fairy. How quaint. Sookie appropriately asks Claudine about her shitty fairy godmothering ways. Why has Sookie almost died like, 80 times if this lady is supposed to be protecting her? Personally, I think a more important question is: why haven’t you just let Sookie dieeeeee? I mean, I think she’s doing a bad job too because Sookie is still alive. Eric shows up just in time for dinner and drains the living crap out of Claudine. Sookie almost stops him until she sees Claudine shift into her true goblin form, which says a lot about Sookie. If you’re sexy, you get to live. If you’re an ugly troll, you die. Watch out, internet, Sookie’s calling the shots.
Bonus points this week:
- Eric calls Sookie “Snooki.”
- Pam tells Lafayette, Tara & Jesus to bring her the witch or she’ll “eat, fuck and kill each one” of them.
- Eric childishly apologizes for eating Sookie’s Fairy Godmother, Claudine. Boy, don’t apologize. You just did this entire show a favor.
Points Deducted:
- Sookie reading a Charlaine Harris book at her kitchen table, ‘cause ewwww, that’s tacky.
