‘Shark Night 3D’ Drowns in a Shallow PG-13 Pond
by Marc Patterson
Here’s the WTF news of the day. Shark Night 3D, a film we were sure that would prove equally as fun as last years Piranha 3D has been just handed a PG-13 rating by the MPAA.
Usually I wouldn’t get my panties all waded into a bunch over a bit of news like this. After all, Insidious was a PG-13 film and that was plenty fantastic. Further, there have been many other horror films not Rated-R that were great. But this is a flesh-eating shark movie folks. Everything about this film is designed to titillate the senses from the scantily clad co-eds, to the bloody feeding frenzy that will ensue. By giving this a PG-13 rating the MPAA has issued a death sentence for Shark Night. That means no graphic sex, nudity, or violence.
You might say I’m over-reacting, that good horror is good horror regardless of the rating. I ask, are we supposed to just hope that this will be as epically awesome as the PG rated JAWS film was? Seriously, I highly doubt it will stand up that level of originality. Suspense isn’t one of the factors this film will hinge on.
Look to the official synopsis to make my point for me:
Arriving by boat at her family’s Louisiana lake island cabin, Sara (Sara Paxton) and her friends quickly strip down to their swimsuits for a weekend of fun in the sun. But when star football player Malik (Sinqua Walls) stumbles from the salt-water lake with his arm torn off, the party mood quickly evaporates. Assuming the injury was caused by a freak wake-boarding accident, the group realizes they have to get Malik to a hospital on the other side of the lake, and fast.
But as they set out in a tiny speedboat, the college friends discover the lake has been stocked with hundreds of massive, flesh-eating sharks! As they face one grisly death after another, Sara and the others struggle desperately to fend off the sharks, get help and stay alive long enough to reach the safety of dry land.
Notice it says “the lake has been stocked (yes STOCKED), with hundreds (HUNDREDS – not just one big scary motherfucker), of MASSIVE, FLESH-EATING sharks”. Then it goes on, “one GRISLY DEATH after another”. Okay… I think I’ve made my point. The sharks are big, hungry for flesh, but PG-13 isn’t “grisly” folks. And when you stock a lake with these monsters there’s really only one path for this film to take – total destruction. Since the MPAA has assured us we won’t be getting the awesome decimation we were hoping for I don’t feel like I need to see this.
I’m officially giving Shark Night the kiss off.
