Online Dating Profiles You Will Never See
by Annie Riordan
I’m single. That’s right, 41 and single. Never married, no desire to be, heading for spinsterhood at warp speed. I’m fine with it, really. I never wanted a wedding or kids and gold jewelry gives me a rash. Also, diamonds are fugly. I’m good at being single. I never have to wear make-up or fix my hair, I don’t own a single pair of high heels, I hog the bed, I make Pop-Tarts for dinner and my idea of getting gussied up is to wear matching pajama tops and bottoms. 99.9 percent of the time, I am perfectly content with this arrangement.
But every once in a great while, I wish there was a guy around. Someone to open jars and squash spiders and who won’t get all pissy when I close my eyes during sex and pretend they’re someone else…usually some totally unattainable famous person who would never ever look at me in real life.
And here’s where it gets weird. You see, I’m not much for pretty boys. Oh sure, I’ll admit to owning Peter Steele’s Playgirl spread. I’d like to climb into Gylve Nagell’s hair and stay there for a week. That torture scene in Casino Royale where Mads Mikkelsen is whipping Daniel Craig’s balls? Total porn for me. But for the most part, I’m an ugly chaser. The uglier, the better. I like my guys deformed, armed and really angry. Extra points if they’re undead. I want my man to slaughter the cheerleading squad for me on our anniversary. I want the competition to flee in horror at the sight of his face, therefore leaving me with no competition.
But for some odd reason, I just never run across ads like these when I surf the online dating sites:
NAME: Pinhead
AGE: Really fucking old
LOCATION: His own Hell
OCCUPATION: Demon/Angel, depending
ETHNICITY: White. VERY white. Like Michael Jackson, but not as scary.
BODY TYPE: Seriously into scarification and piercings
HEIGHT: 6 feet 6 inches (height includes pin length)
PROS: Exclusive access to the world’s best S&M dungeons.
CONS: Has trouble administering oral.
NAME: Eddie Quist
LOCATION: Tehachapi, CA.
OCCUPATION: Mangler, sketch artist
AGE: 28
ETHNICITY: Lycanthrope
BODY TYPE: Hairy
HEIGHT: 6 foot, humanoid. 7+ foot werewolf.
PROS: Loves porn
CONS: Often confuses “orgasm” with “evisceration.”
NAME: Radu Vladislas
LOCATION: Romania
OCCUPATION: Phlebotomist
AGE: Somewhere between Jesse Helms and God
ETHNICITY: Dead
BODY TYPE: Pasty as uncooked bread dough
HEIGHT: 5 foot 9
PROS: Comes with own castle!
CONS: Suffers from acute sialorrhea. Also, fingerbanging is absolutely out of the question.
NAME: Jason Voorhees
LOCATION: Crystal Lake
OCCUPATION: Camp bouncer.
AGE: Terminally 11 (boys mature slower)
ETHNICITY: Freak
BODY TYPE: Big McLargeHuge
HEIGHT: 6 foot 2
PROS: Owns own cabin in woods with lakeside view
CONS: Momma’s boy.
NAME: Freddy Krueger
LOCATION: In Your Dreams
OCCUPATION: Cutlery salesman
AGE: 37
ETHNICITY: Well done
BODY TYPE: Extra Crispy
HEIGHT: anywhere from 5 foot 9 to six stories high
PROS: Can go all night long.
CONS: Likes them young. As in “kindergarten.” Also, fingerbanging is absolutely out of the question.
NAME: Peloquin
LOCATION: Midian, Canada
OCCUPATION: Gatekeeper
AGE: ???
ETHNICITY: Nightbreed
BODY TYPE: Scaly, some tentacles.
HEIGHT: 6 footish
PROS: Will fuck anything.
CONS: Will fuck anything.
