DVD Review: BreadCrumbs
BreadCrumbs (2011)
Studio: Green Apple Ent.
Release Date: January 25, 2011
Directed By: Mike Nichols
Cast: Marianne Hagan, Amy Crowdis, Dan Shaked & Douglas Nyback.
Review By: Annie Riordan
Whew. You know, I was starting to get a little worried there for a while, afraid that there would never be a horror movie made about sexually irresponsible stereotypical imbeciles who decide to spend their weekend at a remote cabin in the woods and are summarily set upon by mentally deranged and/or possibly inbred weirdos who proceed to dispatch the cast members one by one in a variety of grisly ways until only a somewhat likable character (usually female) remains. It’s such a unique premise, one that has never been explored before in the history of horror film, until now. The only thing I remain unconvinced about is the title. Not sure I would have gone the BreadCrumbs route if I had been the one to helm this genre-shattering, highly nuanced masterpiece. No, I would have chosen a flashier, more horror-specific title, like Friday the 13th or maybe The Evil Dead.
Pumpkinhead has a nice ring to it, as does Cabin Fever and Antichrist and I Spit On Your Grave and Wrong Turn and Big Bad Wolf and La Llorona and…well, you get the idea. But hey, what the hell do I know? I’m not the sort of genius that ever could have dreamed up such a mind-boggingly pivotal plot location to begin with, let alone come up with a suitably subtle, fear inspiring title.
< / sarcasm >
BreadCrumbs, as the Grimm-ly educated among you may already have ascertained, is an update of the Hansel and Gretel tale, with Hansel and Gretel replaced with a goth-pale pair of siblings named Henry and Patti, and the gingerbread house replaced by the aforementioned cabin-in-the-woods. Oh, and the cannibalistic witch has been replaced by the cast and crew of a porno film, who have chosen the bucolic setting as the backdrop for their latest fuckfest. Said fuckfest is to be the farewell vehicle for aging porn star Angie, a Lolita Davidovich-esque MILF who silently weathers the wrinkle jokes lobbed at her by her up and cumming co-star and who anticipates her retirement as only a worn out woman with a numb, gaping blowhole possibly can. It’s never verified if Angie in fact plans to end her days sitting in a bathtub full of ice and Preparation H, but it’s really the only logical assumption one can make.
On the way to the location, the vanload of losers nearly mow down Henry and Patti, whose creepy presence would be enough to make a brain damaged, arthritic tree sloth turn tail and hotfoot it to the nearest Best Western. But nooooooooo. There’s beer to drink and pot to smoke and vague promises of lesbian sex to anticipate and blahblahblah, fast forward to the part where the kids start killing everyone until only Angie is left and then the Big Plot Twist (which is neither big nor twisty) comes along and padpadpad, blood-scream-run-die, movie’s finally over, amen.
Dear Makers of Horror Movies Everywhere: Please just STOP already. If and when you should ever find yourself uttering the words: “Hey, I have an idea for a movie about a cabin in the woods…” please, consider the rammifications that seeing such an idea to fruition will have upon the world around you… and then smash yourself in the face with the claw end of a hammer until the idea is forever removed from your memory banks. Just, please…I’m begging you. Stop. Now. Enough already with the cabins in the woods and the gratuitous sex and the creepy kids singing Ring Around the Rosy. I can’t take anymore. Not without unlimited access to oxymorphone, anyway.
I’m not even going to get into the technical aspects of why this film sucks out loud, because it just isn’t worth the effort. The best advice I can give you is the same advice your mother gave you about picking dirty things up off the ground: don’t do it. Just leave it alone and walk away.
