‘Ghouls on Film’ Goes Back to ‘Zombie High’
Zombie High (1987)
Director: Ron Link
Cast: Virginia Madsen, Sherilyn Fenn, Paul Feig, Richard Cox, James Wilder
By Lana Cooper AKA Maedusa West of Ghouls On Film
Remember the good old days before zombie movies started taking themselves waaaay too seriously?
Yeah. Me, neither.
However, I thought Zombie High would be a fun romp through the carefree zombie flicks of my youth. I assumed the 1987 film would be a throwback to a kinder, gentler time when “digging up a prom date” could be taken literally as you reanimated a corpse in your basement. (Anything to be able to stuff a semi-warm body in a tux, eh?)
Zombie High, however, did not offer any of those warm, fuzzy, and extremely uncomfortable feelings.
If you’re looking for rotting flesh and missing limbs, then you’ll probably want to sue Zombie High for false advertising. Its plot vaguely resembles a cross between the music videos for Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart and Motley Crue’s 1986 cover of Smokin’ In the Boys Room. However, both music videos tell a better story at a faster pace and Smokin’ in the Boys Room has much more horror cred thanks to a cameo by Michael “The Hills Have Eyes” Berryman as the school principal.
That said, even Zombie High’s alternate title, The School That Ate My Brain, is a misnomer. Although Brainwash High would be the most fitting title for the film, it lacks the “pow” and “zip” of the much snappier Zombie High.
Debate aside, Zombie High marks Virginia Madsen’s first appearance in a horror film. Before she became fodder for high-falutin’ film fare devoted to wine snobbery, Madsen was a mainstay of the horror genre, also appearing in Candyman and Prophecy.
But first, she was in Zombie High.
They say you never forget your first. However, if your “first” was Zombie High, you really should try.
Madsen plays the film’s main character, Andrea, who is granted a full scholarship to Ettinger, a prestigious, formerly all-male boarding school. Although her boyfriend, Barry (James Wilder), has reservations about Andrea leaving him behind, he still dutifully calls her every day at her new private school and even makes surprise visits on campus at inopportune times.
And it’s a darn good thing, too, because something fishy is afoot at Ettinger! One by one, all of Andrea’s formerly rowdy friends turn up looking like refugees from a Young Republican convention. Twin Peaks’ Sherilyn Fenn pops up as Suzi, Andrea’s saucy roommate. Paul Feig has a small but memorable role as a dorky hornball. Feig’s character bites the dust all too soon in a vain attempt to advance the plot.
Speaking of plots, the faculty, lead by the sinister Dean Eisner (portrayed by Kay E. Kuter, resembling a poor man’s Christopher Lee) are turning Ettinger’s student body into conformist drones by sucking out their brains and turning their grey matter into a serum that restores youth and vitality. Ripping a page from the Clockwork Orange handbook, the faculty also uses classical music piped through the campus PA system to keep the students in a docile state.
Owing to Andrea’s passing resemblance to a former love, the youngest of the faculty, Professor Philo (Richard Cox), has a change of heart, and tells her what is really going on. He urges Andrea to help the remaining kids who have not been subjected to the faculty’s experiments.
This is one of the many points where Zombie High has its identity crisis. Not only does the film flit between bad comedy, vague love story, and limp-wristed horror; but the writers also seem to toggle between whether Ettinger is a private prep school or a college campus. This is most evident when Philo attempts to Mary Kay Letourneau it up with underage Andrea. (To be fair, Virginia Madsen doesn’t exactly look like a teenager in this flick.)
Philo’s disclosure of the faculty’s hidden agenda draws the ire of Dean Eisner. In turn, the Dean denies Philo his regular dosage of serum, turning the 30-ish professor into an old geezer at death’s door. (The awful prosthetic makeup Richard Cox dons in his death scene resembles a really bad Halloween mask.)
That’s when Andrea and her spunky public school boyfriend Barry must save the day! They vanquish the faculty and snap Ettinger’s student body out of their zombie-like state by cranking up some good ol’ fashioned schlock n’ roll to combat the mind-controlling classical music. Take that, PMRC!
Which brings me to my next point: Zombie High’s only real horror comes from its soundtrack. Written and performed by Kent Richards and Tymm Rocco, the film’s soundtrack utilizes every ‘80s musical cliché possible, complete with lyrics cheesier than the inside of a fondue pot. Messers Richards and Rocco are musical chameleons, sounding like a subpar John Parr one moment and then ripping off the Beastie Boys the next. The soundtrack’s coup de grace, Kiss My Butt bears a striking sonic resemblance to (You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party). Yes, the only payoff through sitting through all 90, excruciating minutes of Zombie High is listening to Kiss My Butt while the credits roll. Pass the Xanax.
Zombie High seemed to be keenly aware of its soundtrack. Right before something “scary” happens, the cornball ’80s music stops and ominous instrumental strains kick in. In terms of “scary,” the best Zombie High was able to muster was a bloody sheet and ridiculous “special” effects makeup.
For unintentional humor and as an ‘80s genre horror timepiece, Zombie High cannot be beat. Just don’t expect to be scared.
