Before He Was A Zombie, Jesus Hunted Vampires
Film Review: Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter
Studio: Odessa Filmwords
Directed by: Lee Demarbre
Starring: Phil Caracas, Murielle Varhelyi and Maria Moulton
Review by: Dustin Hall
Happy Zombie Jesus Day, everybody! Man, so many memories, all those years I sat out at night, waiting for Christ to riiiiise from the pumpkin patch, delivering presents and punishing heretics.
The combative nature of Jesus takes center stage in Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter, the indy action-comedy-horror from Canadian filmmaker Lee Demarbre, creator of the Harry Knuckles series, and more recently of the vampire flick, Summer’s Blood. When two members of his inner circle are murdered by a pack of vampires, Jesus (Phil Caracas), takes to action in order to stop them. What he finds is more than just an attack against the church, the vamps are murdering every lesbian they can find, in an attempt to build their ranks to world-storming proportions. (no one will miss lesbians, because they’re degenerates, see?)
Assaulted on all sides by lesbian vamp soldiers and endless swarms of atheists, JC is quickly overwhelmed. His only hope may lay in the aid of a powerhouse from south of the border… Santo, the legendary luchadore.
JCVH is an uneven venture. Some of the gags are incredibly funny. Right off the bat, there’s a great vampire attack scene (the only scene actually filmed at night. The rest requires you to use your imagination), followed by a battle scene between Jesus and a trio of vampires at the shore of the sea, which is quickly blessed and turned into a body of holy water. There’s some fantastic one-liners, and you can’t go wrong with lesbian vamps making out.
Despite that, there are a few gags that just go on, and on forever, like Christ picking out his new, hip outfit for the modern age (complete with ear piercings). It brings quite a number of lulls in the action, which you can’t afford when you’re dealing with low budget films. I mean, the entire film is dubbed over, its not exactly pleasant to listen to, all of those lines have to be absolute zingers.
But, you can’t ignore the film’s raw enthusiasm. Dirt bike battles, huge, explosive blood squibs bursting under the pointy end of stakes, and a few back-breakers, just for good measure, there’s a lot of energy in the scenes that work. What makes the movie, ultimately, is Santo. The legendary wrestler of the silver mask, who has fought demons, vampires, and monsters of all forms, makes a surprise visit to lend a hand. He, and his really bad Spanish accent, bring a bizarre charm to every scene he’s in, and every vampire skull he mashes with his meaty fist.
Jesus Christ, son of God, the lamb, kung-fu master, and now, vampire hunter. If you’ve got a taste for heretical humor, and if you’re still reading this, I can only assume you are, you’ll find enough humor for a night of popcorn and chuckles with Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter. Just don’t expect a miracle or anything.
