Advice for the New Undead Believer: A Guide to Your Spiritual Leaders
by Jeff Martin of Better Geek Than Never
So, you’ve accepted Zombie Jesus as your personal Undead Lord and Saviour. Congratulations! That’s a big step, but one you’ll not soon regret. With your eternal soul safely wrapped in the blood-soaked tunic of Zombie Jesus, you will forever walk in the light of His love, forgiveness and eternal hunger. As it is written, “… for He desires thy heart, thy love and thy spirit and to eventually gnaw through thy skullcap and feast upon thy brains, for they are tasty.”
But even those of us who have walked with Zombie Jesus for a long time sometimes need help. We come across situations that aren’t specifically addressed in the Unholy Scriptures and we seek guidance. Is it okay to eat the brains of a non-baptized newborn? If you begin to devour a woman who is menstruating, are you ceremonially unclean? Is it allowable to eat an uncircumcised penis?
For potentially disastrous ethical situations like this, it is recommended that you visit some of our esteemed clergy, who can give proper spiritual advice to guide you through such difficult areas.
Serving the Dunwich parish is Father Thomas, whose devotion to Zombie Jesus was made complete when he hanged himself in a cemetery. This allowed the gates of Hell to open so that the Undead could begin to roam the earth, searching for the sweet meat of the living upon which to gorge themselves. Father Thomas’ black rimmed eyes of insanity and bravery tell of his devotion and courage in defending the faith.
Here’s a photo of a believer after counseling with Father Thomas on the subject of communion. As you can see, she is crying with joy as she throws up her own intestines, signifying that the truth of communion comes from within. Now, this lovely supplicant is ready to share that truth with her boyfriend, who is only recoiling in terror from the sight of his lover spewing out internal organs because he doesn’t understand the ways of Zombie Jesus. He will understand, though. She will make sure of that.
For those of you in the New Zealand area, assistance with your spiritual needs can be obtained from Father McGruder.
This zealous servant of Zombie Jesus has been known to cry out, “I kick arse for the Lord!” Praise Zombie Jesus for his enthusiasm! New believers often go to Father McGruder for advice on family issues. The good Father and his Post-Life Partner, Nurse McTavish, are the parents of a lovely toddler Zombie and understand the difficulties in raising Zombie Jesus believers in a world so blatantly anti-Zombie. Let Father McGruder help you with complicated social issues, such as the difference between breast-feeding and breast-feeding and when it is proper to do either in public.
Now that you’ve turned your life over to Zombie Jesus, you may have some questions arise about your orientation. Am I dead? Am I alive? What if I still like living people? What if I’m zom-bi-curious? Don’t worry. Post-conversion is a vulnerable time and these troubling thoughts are going to float through most peoples’ brains.
Consider talking to Father Damien Karras. He has firsthand experience with such things.
Karras is certainly a devoted servant of our dear Zombie Jesus, but what exactly is he? He hurled himself out of a window, only to reappear years later in a mental institution claiming to be not only Damien Karras, but also the reincarnation of the long-dead Gemini Killer. Is he dead or undead? If he is undead, is he truly a zombie?
Being a priest, he’s certainly eaten enough of the Body of Zombie Christ to count as a transubstantiative carnivore. And look into those sweet sickly yellow-green eyes of his. Can you not see the countenance of Zombie Christ radiating back at you? Surely Father Karras could be just the person to help you through these difficult days or lonely nights.
As you progress further in your walk with Zombie Jesus, the more clear things will become. Don’t ask how. They just will. Because that’s what things do. If they don’t become clearer, obviously your lack of faith is to blame. Weakling. But until such time, learn from our elder statesmen of the faith, and take their lessons to heart.
Learn more about Father Thomas in Lucio Fulci’s “City of the Living Dead.” You can see the dynamic teaching style of Father McGruder in Peter Jackson’s “Dead Alive.” And Zombie Father Karras can be found in a padded cell in William Peter Blatty’s “Exorcist III.” Writer Jeff Martin can be found all over the internet, but mostly at his website, Better Geek Than Never.
