DVD Review: Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Undead
Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Undead (2009)
Studio: Indican
Release Date: September 21, 2010
Directed By: Jordan Galland
Cast: Jake Hoffman, Devon Aoki, John Ventimiglia, Kris Lemche & Ralph Macchio.
Review By: Annie Riordan
Fear not, horror lovers. An appreciation for the works of William Shakespeare is not required in order to enjoy this film. I’m not saying that a rudimentary grasp of the Bard’s works (especially Hamlet) wouldn’t come in handy and make the multitude of in-jokes even funnier. Being an acquaintance of Stoppard definitely wouldn’t hurt either. But neither, as previously stated, is required. This is a vampire satire and, as such, has all of the fangs, blood and bare boobs one could possibly hope for.
Unemployed, unshaven and unwilling to commit to the girl he truly loves, Julian Marsh is the very definition of “slacker.” Living rent free in the room across the hall from daddy’s doctor’s office, Julian seems content to coast along forever, at least until dad shoves a want ad in his face and demand that Julian go interview for a job as the director of an off-off-off-off-off Broadway play. Reluctantly, Julian does as he’s told and scores the job.
The play is “Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Undead.” The role of Hamlet will go to Julian’s best buddy Vincent. The playwright is a ghastly pale smooth operator named Theo Horace who never goes anywhere without his two sexbomb servant girls. But when Theo claps eyes on Julian’s beloved ex-girlfriend Anna (Sin City’s Devon Aoki), he immediately declares her his Ophelia and casts her in the role. Julian can only watch helplessly as Theo sets about seducing a not entirely unwilling Anna. And to make matters worse, Vincent goes and dies after being sucked dry by one of Theo’s vamp ho’s, requiring Julian to take over the role of Hamlet. Anna’s current/soon-to-be-ex mobster goon boyfriend Bobby finds out that Julian isn’t gay, and some crazy bag lady keeps insisting that Julian help her find the Holy Grail in order to turn all of the vampires back into human beings. What the hell is going on? Who cares? Lets go get a slushie. I have no idea why I just said that.
First and foremost, I think there’s a serious issue of casting here which I need to address immediately and in the simplest terms available. I want to fuck John Ventimiglia. I would pay eleven thousand dollars to be Theo’s whore-ace. Hey Johnny, I got a milkshake for you right here, baby. I want your corpse paint make-up smeared all over me by the time we’re done. Drop the doublet and hose and let’s do the dirty. Now.
I did manage to stop fantasizing about John’s ballcock hammer long enough to pay attention to the rest of the cast, and everyone is amazingly flawless. Kris Lemche is a shameless scene stealer as the flamboyantly shallow Vincent. Ralph “Karate Kid” Macchio’s pseudo mafia kingpin comes a close second, proving that our little lost Outsider boy has indeed stayed gold. Jeremy Sisto cruises in and out with his hilariously twitchy trademark of schizo run-on sentences. But it’s really Joey (Cabin Fever) Kern who swaggers in and swipes this puppy with his five minute cameo as the foul-mouthed, frat boy Hamlet. His climactic duel of insults with Theo is the pearl in this goblet full of sweet poison.
Stakings and skeletons and sex, oh my! No sparkly shit here, brotha. Just pure, in your face nastyass vampire stuff. Kenneth Branagh be fucked! This is how you do Shakespeare in the 21st century, baby.
