DVD Review: Suck (2010)
DVD Review: Suck (2010)
Distributor: E1 Entertainment
DVD Release Date: September 28, 2010
Directed by: Rob Stefaniuk
Cast: Rob Stefaniuk, Jessica Pare, Dimitri Coats, and a whole lot of rock n’ rollers
Review by Marc Patterson
Oh Rock n’ Roll horror… where would we be without you? Suck is the latest in a long line of mediocre horror flicks that attempts to play to a young, hip crowd while delivering mixed results at best. Before I get too far into this insane review (and it’s going to get messy) I have to lay out a disclaimer that the last really good rock n’ roll horror flick I saw was Return of the Living Dead. Dance of the Dead came close, but not really close. I don’t even want to talk about Repo. If you like Repo then good for you. I don’t like my horror villains singing and dancing like Mary fuckin’ Poppins. So you can see the bar I’m holding Suck to, but let’s quit yammering about old films and talk about this new one, shall we?
Plainly said, I don’t really know what to make of this film. It’s going to pull an audience in thanks to the who’s who of rock n’ roll on the roster. Iggy Pop, Alice Cooper, Henry Rollins, Moby, Alex Lifeson… (Sorry I had to pause to catch my breath). Heap on Dave Foley and Malcolm McDowell and who even gives a fuck about the lead actors? I mean seriously… why am I even wasting my time writing a review? Those of you who want to see these incredible legends of rock n’ roll in a vampire film aren’t even going to finish this sentence before you rush out to rent/buy this. For the two of you still paying attention let’s cut the foreplay and roll this one to the chorus shall we?
On a lot of levels, and I mean A LOT, I thought Suck really fucking sucked. It starts with a innocent enough monologue by a very old looking Henry Rollins. By the way, when the hell did he age so much? Look at those hands… But then we cut to an unnecessary computer generated animation of a bat flying through the night (seriously, this was the best that we could do guys?) that leads us to the lead band wailing, nay… limping, their way through a set at the local dive bar. During the set a vampire enters the bar, and of course you can tell this because his face is pale, his eyes glow red, his hair looks like he’s stuck his fangs into an electric socket, and his perma-grin? Well it’s fucking ridiculous. I wanted to smack it right off his face with my “bitch please” hand. Oh and as a side note, does every rock n’ roll film that wants to exude some cool indie vibe have to include The Velvet Underground’s Oh, Sweet Nothin’ into the soundtrack? That’s not rhetorical. I’d ask you to please weigh in as well. Vampire takes interest in gorgeous bass player (played by Jessica Pare), sweeps her off to his lair, makes her a vampire, band starts not to suck so much anymore. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…
But here’s the contradiction to my obvious indifference thus far. In spite of the overused plot of “no-name-band-makes-a-pact-with-evil-becomes-vampires-and-earns-instant-fame-formula”, and in spite of the shitty acting and the bad jokes that fall flatter than a sized A chest on a meth ravished whore the film was surprisingly watchable. I’ll say that again in case you missed it the first time. Suck was oddly watchable. How? To be honest, I really don’t fucking know. It’s a cinematic anomaly. I mean, yeah there were times I wanted to punch my TV just watching it, but I never wanted to turn it off. It’s an unoriginal plot, and clumsily constructed. The vampires are completely out of place and underdeveloped. Heck the whole cast is underdeveloped. But hell, I laughed out loud at a few points in spite of it. Like when the kids pull up to the Canada/US border and Canadian rocker Alex Lifeson portrays a border guard. It was a classic moment that you have to watch to appreciate. Lifeson says to the kids, “You play in a band? I used to play in a band! Takes me back”. C’mon – now that’s funny. By the way, did I drink too many beers or does Dave Foley REALLY have the hypnotic superpowers I always suspected? I can’t think of any other reason I might be enjoying this horror-lite car wreak.
As the film winds and rocks us through it’s various paces it borders on overkill at nearly every turn. All the cameos are well placed, and well played, (Moby especially) and like I say – there is no kill like overkill. So, while Suck is far from perfect, runs light on the gore, and while it doesn’t really have the essence of what it takes to be a true cult film, (or even a good film) it certainly is going to move some copies thanks to said rock n’ roll line-up. It’s a half way decent way to piss away an evening, and I’m emphasizing piss, as I recommend downing this with a six beer minimum.
