True Blood Recap, Episode 3.11
by Britt Hayes
(WARNING: This article contains spoilers for True Blood season 3, episode 11.)
Last night’s penultimate episode set the framework for the explosive and blood-soaked finale. At least I hope it’s blood-soaked – after all this faerie and were-panther-meth business, I’m not sure we’ll get the bang we got with Mary Ann last season.
Sookie is trapped in Eric’s basement, and Bill expectedly arrives to save the day. Pam tries to level with him – they need Sookie to lure Russell in…and this is where I get frustrated. Just tell Bill, in plain friggin’ English, that you need to trick Russell and you don’t actually need her to die. But no, we need to fill a few minutes with back and forth – oh wait, super-sped up vampy fighting. Well, that will do. While Bill and Pam fight it out (and Pam gets bill with some silver rape mace), the scorned Russian dancer/Eric fuck buddy lets Sookie go and helps subdue Pam with silver chains. We also find out that in Soviet Russia or wherever, she was a cardiologist.
Jesus has fallen in love with V and keeps harassing Lafayette to go on another spiritual journey, but Lafayette is haunted by the witchcraft and voodoo-laden images from their previous trip. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!
Jason isn’t sure he can handle Crystal being a were-panther. I think Jason seems to have forgotten where the hell he lives. Were-panther seems rather normal compared to Sookie and Tara and all the other crazy whores you surround yourself with, Mr. Stackhouse. They bicker, and Jason runs off to find Sookie. (Hint, Jason: Girls generally don’t like it when you run off to find your sister during a passionate argument.)
Jessica and Hoyt have reconciled, but Jessica can’t move forward without telling Hoyt she killed that trucker. She explains that it was an accident, but that she can’t live off Tru Blood and needs to drink from humans. Hoyt takes off his shirt (hallelujah) and lets Jess drink from his body. I could live forever without seeing Bill and Sookie have sex ever again. Just give me more Jessica and Hoyt, please. In fact, kill Sookie and make this a show about Jessica. She’s a better actress and much more adorable.
Eric finds King Russell and makes him an offer he can’t refuse. Faerie blood will allow Russell to walk in the sunlight, and Eric has a big ol’ stash of it that goes by the name of Sookie. Russell is a bit hesitant (uh d’oyyy, never trust your tall, sexy, Scandinavian enemy), but his intrigue wins out over his common sense. As if a guy carrying around a crystal vase filled with the gooey remains of his lover has much common sense these days anyhow. Eric calls Pam, who informs him that Sookie and Bill have hit the road back to Bon Temps, while the brain dead waitress peels silver chains off her ankles.
In snoozeville, Tara finally allows herself to mourn at Eggs’ gravezzzzzz.
Arlene asks Holly to help her get rid of the baby, so Holly says they’ll do it after work, and just like a good abortion doctor, she asks Arlene if she’s sure this is what she wants. These ladies are a real buzzkill, but then Sam walks in, drunk as hell, and starts telling sweaty ladies they’re ugly, tells his brother to fuck off and get out of his life, alienates Terry (I honestly didn’t think anyone could be mean to Terry. He’s so…harmless), and calls Arlene and Holly bitches. I like this guy.
Jason goes to his old football field and discovers his past self in present form (a cocky high school football player with STD’s and bad skin) is using V to play football better. This makes Jason have morals. Jason no understand morals. Thinking is hard. But Jason somehow overcomes his brain and decides that this guy cheating at football will never break his old high school record and he’s going to win the day or something.
Summer visits Mrs. Fortenberry (Hoyt’s mom) in tears, apologizing for being unable to get Hoyt to leave Jessica, even after defying God and offering up the good china. Mrs. F promises Summer that they’re not giving up yet. You guys, Jessica is a vampire, so you know…there’s that. But good luck!
Tara arrives at Merlotte’s to find Sam pissy and drunk and Andy dining alone. She joins Andy and confronts him about covering up the fact that Jason murdered Eggs. Andy tearfully apologizes, and instead of going batshit insane, Tara seems to accept. Wow. Might we get a likable character out of Tara again? Otherwise, I see Maury Povich and bad weaves in her future.
On the road back home, Sookie and Bill discuss what their life would be like if it were “normal”. Sookie says she’d go to college, but then changes her mind and says she’d be a rich real estate agent. That girl really needs some college education. And I’m not talking about rufies and frat parties and My First Abortion™, I’m talking about books. Speaking of, Bill seems to think he’d teach 3rd grade. That’s perfect because I think that’s as far as hicks let their kids go to school before letting them choose between chewing tobacco and dignity.
And just when I start to lose interest in the Sookie/Bill conversation, BAM. Russell stops Bill and Sookie’s car with his HAND (still holding the urn of Talbot slime, no less).
Holly takes Arlene to the woods to perform some crazy Wiccan ritual that she undoubtedly learned from watching The Craft when her local video store finally started carrying it after the church lost interest in protesting when Harry Potter came along. It’s all “blessed be” and mother goddess and salt and candles, and then some tea recipe that Arlene needs to drink several times a day.
Lafayette wakes up in the middle of the night to find talking voodoo dolls. I really have no clue where this is going, especially so late in the season. I’m hoping for a bigger story that transitions into season 4 involving little tea parties with these dolls, where Lafayette learns about their rich cultural history while introducing them to the ways of the new world.
Back to Fangtasia… Eric gets Bill to pretend-fight him so Russell will leave them alone long enough for Eric to finally explain to Bill that he’s using Sookie. Russell will drink Sookie’s blood so he can walk in the sunlight, but what he doesn’t know is that the sun-immunity is brief, and Eric will find a way to leave him in the sunlight so he blows up. Problem solved!
Tara and Sam drink together because Tara doesn’t put up with his shit. Great. They’re going to sleep together. Tara, if you keep giving the secret recipe away, no one will want it anymore. While Tara and Sam do…that…Jesse is busy breaking in to his big brother’s safe.
Arlene awakes from a dream about fishing to find Terry distressed because she’s sleeping in a puddle of her own blood. Looks like the Craft abortion worked after all.
Jason returns home to tell Crystal that watching some dude bro play football made him realize he loves her and she’s not that weird. Unfortunately, Crystal wants Jason to go back to her family’s drug compound with her to prevent the DEA from attacking because there are little kids inside.
Eric and Russell reach an agreement: Eric will drink Sookie’s blood first to prove that it’s safe. Bill tries everything but winking obviously to alert Sookie that this is just a ruse, but since she’s not interested in college she doesn’t get it and just starts screaming like Anakin Skywalker.
Arlene’s pretty excited about her miscarriage until she finds out that the baby is fine. I think she needs to sue that backwoods abortion doctor and demand to see her credentials.
It’s the climax we’ve been building to all episode, and Pam is misty-eyed over the possibility of Eric dying. Eric and Russell drink Sookie’s blood and Eric walks outside while Pam and Russell watch from the security monitors. Eric keeps his back turned so they won’t see when his skin begins to burn. Bill pleads with Pam to untie him so he can feed Sookie because she’s lost a ton of blood (dude, we went over this two episodes ago, she’ll be fiiiiine after a quick trip to faerie land). With a little push from Pam, Russell finally decides to walk outside. At first he relishes the magic of the sunshine, until he sees Eric’s boiling face. Eric quickly snaps some handcuffs on Russell and tells him, “Be brave, we’ll die together.” In the final seconds of the episode, it looks like our beloved Eric Northman might die…
Roll credits. Fuck.
The season finale will air in two weeks (yes, two), on Sunday, September 12th at 9/8 central on HBO. If Eric dies and Tara gets to live, I am breaking up with this show.
Prior to this episode, they showed a great “In Memoriam” of some people we’ve lost since season 1. It’s pretty awesome.
