True Blood 3.9 Recap
by Britt Hayes
(ed. note: Recaps are a new edition to the site. This is the first True Blood recap, and we apologize for starting late in the season. This recap covers episode 9 of season 3. SPOILERS below!)
This week begins with Eric’s prompt return – family crown in hand at last – to Fangtasia after staking Talbot with something that looked like a medieval dildo after seducing him in last week’s porn episode. Pammy is freaking out, and the decision is made to find a human’s house to take refuge in since vampires can’t enter a human home without being invited. Seems like it’s way too easy to evade vampires. Unfortunately, the vampire police (!) have already shown up with the public representative of the American Vampire League, Nan, who is looking rather Matrix-y and orders the vamp police to “SILVER HIM!” I think that’s like “FINISH HIM” but for mythological creatures.
Next we see Russell’s reaction to the murder of his beloved partner, Talbot (who, might I add, would have only been more amazing if played by Hank Azaria doing his character from The Birdcage). After gathering all the Talbot goo off the floor and crying vampy tears into it, Russell declares revenge in a voice that sounds suspiciously like my grandmother after too much vodka. And I’m pretty sure someone we care about will die – or come close to it – by the last episode. We can only hope that person is Tara.
And we’re back to the Sookie and Bill Compton sex hour. When that’s finally over, Sookie remembers there’s a dead werewolf body in her house and starts nagging Bill because she’s tired of bloody bodies and just wants to catch up on Jersey Shore to see what all the fuss is about (not exactly, but I peg her as a reality show junkie). Bill reveals why he was collecting information on her family, and surprise (?) – he was just trying to figure out what Sookie is.
Over at Lafayette’s house (aka the place I’d be), he and Jesus have just woken up after a night of sweet sweet love and decided they still like each other, so Jesus can hang out for a while. Jesus looks quite saucy in that floral robe number and starts babbling about mythical deity tattoos. I like him better when he doesn’t talk.
Jason’s gone over to Crystal’s house of Meth, where her betrothed is about to give her what we in the south call a “what for”. Crystal distracts him, knocks him out cold, and makes it clear to Jason that they need to tie this hillbilly up because he isn’t your average hillbilly. My guess? He and his clan are werewolves, obviously. No idea why they keep dancing around it this season.
Nan senses something is up but can’t prove it. She has the cops bring out the webcams so Eric can give his statement to the mysterious and unseen Authority.
Sam and Tara have the most uninteresting scene in the entire episode where Tara cries because her rapey boyfriend ruined her boring life with excitement, and Sam has to go tell his brother to keep his sex sounds down. Then there are boobs.
Eric gives his speech to the Authority, denouncing Russell and coming clean about his 1000-year old grudge. These werewolves and Russell have been wreaking havoc on vampires and society for centuries – Constantinople, Aztecs, World War II – but oddly he makes no mention of the brand they all bear on their shoulders. Seems like important info to leave out. Eric stands firm in his accusations and makes it clear that he didn’t tell anyone sooner because revenge was – and is – his top priority. Nan tells Eric the Authority will review his case before delivering a formal verdict. This was definitely one of the best scenes in the episode, if not the whole season. We sort of meet the Authority, from behind anyway, as they sit in their white room in dress suits with their futuristic accouterments, watching Eric’s glorious face on a giant screen. While I feel a little satisfied in knowing the Authority is very real and not just made-up vampire cult worship, I think we still deserve to see these people.
Unfortunately, politics are just as important in the vampire world, and King Russell just donated half a million dollars to the American Vampire League, so Nan isn’t buying Eric’s claims.
Jason calls 911 with a fake girl voice to report Crystal’s boyfriend tied to a tree with a pocket full of vampire blood. And scene.
Back at Lafayette’s palace, his mom borrows his make-up and jewelry and Jesus takes her back to the loony bin so she can “bless the Jello”. I sort of hope that’s a metaphor for turning tricks and that Jesus is really her pimp. Pimp Jesus, holla.
At the police station, some lady is losing her mind because her husband went to answer the phony 911 call Jason made and was attacked by Crystal’s boyfriend. Seriously, he’s a werewolf or a shape-shifter. Or maybe a troll? Oh god, please let him be a troll. This show does not have enough mythical creatures. Jason has a bright idea for Andy that involves tracing the vampire blood that was confiscated from Crystal’s boyfriend to find out if it came from another bust so they can raid the meth house again. Andy pretends he’s already had that idea and brushes Jason off. When he leaves the room, Andy opens his desk drawer to reveal the vampire blood that he swore to Jason was sent off to the lab. And by the lab he meant his drawer because miniature scientist gnomes have set up a lab in there. I don’t know where this is going, but I have a bad feeling they’re about to make Andy a bad dude.
And now, we return to the Lifetime Original movie already in progress, where Tara has joined a rape survivor group headed by new Merlotte’s waitress Holly. There seems to be a disproportionately high amount of rape victims in the small town of Bon Temps. This is where the show loses me a bit. When Franklin was first introduced, it looked like the relationship with Tara would be insane, filled with violence and sex and blood, much like the rest of the show. Maybe Tara would vent her grief over Eggs through this dangerous affair. Since when did they decide to make Franklin a rapist? It looked like Tara enjoyed the sex, even if it was disturbing to her. Maybe the writers needed to wrap up Franklin’s storyline quickly, and making Tara – as always – a victim, was the easiest way out.
Sookie looks through newspaper clippings of her family and sees an article pointing out what she – and us – already knew: her grandpa was just like her. Hadley calls and wants to meet up with Sookie to see if her son is a telepath too. There’s some assumption that Russell and Sophie are coming after Sookie and anyone like her, and big surprise, Hadley’s son is a telepath. This reads like convoluted storytelling, but I’ll let it slide because this scene took place in an aquarium and everyone likes fish.
Arlene accuses Sam’s brother of stealing her tips because she can’t fathom just how shitty she is at her job. Holly comforts her and Arlene admits she doesn’t want to have Rene’s baby. The A-word is brought up and quickly dismissed because it’s not time for A Very Special Episode of True Blood just yet. Darn. Also, what the fuck is up with Holly? Characters don’t just show up on True Blood without having some baggage. Maybe she’s the Last Unicorn.
During a nap Bill ends up in the strange netherworld Sookie visited last week, where her lady friend tells him he’s a dick and just wants to take Sookie’s light. Someone needs to tell her Sookie gave up the goods years ago. And just when she’s about to tell Bill what Sookie really is (if she doesn’t trust him, why is she telling him?), end scene.
Back at Fangtasia, Eric tells Pam that if he should die, it’s her turn to be a maker. There’s lots of crying, and I just wish Pam would take off that pink velour capri tracksuit already.
Jessica finally makes an appearance at Merlotte’s where she meets Hoyt’s new girlfriend, who I imagine has sunshine in her doily-covered vagina. Hoyt finally admits he hates Sunshine Vagina and Jessica cries. At another table, Jason and Crystal are arguing over her escape from her boyfriend and family, when her dad comes in and gets in a fight with Sam and his brother. Sam finally grows a pair after letting everyone on this show fuck up his bar for three seasons and does some intense damage to Crystal’s dad. Lafayette and Jesus just happen to be in the right place at the right time and offer to take him to the hospital. Crystal can’t stay away from her dysfunctional family and chooses her dad over Jason.
At Fangtasia, the Authority hands over Eric’s verdict: they want to forget any of this ever happened. It looks bad for them politically with a vampire civil rights amendment up for vote (election yeaaaar!), so they want Eric to take out Russell – quietly – and they’ll forget all of this ever happened. Oh, and they’re not giving him any help with weapons and supplies. Up on the roof, Russell clings to the gooey remains of Talbot in what looks like something I used to use for an ashtray, but I assume is a fancy urn that Talbot probably picked out for himself years ago in Estonia or something.
In the Merlotte’s parking lot, Franklin comes back (yay!) and Tara unconvincingly tells him off by doing that thing where she pretends she has balls. Just as Franklin begins to strangle her (yay!), Jason shows up and shoots him in the heart with wooden bullets (boo! and, what?) Really dissatisfied with that conclusion.
Bill awakes from his trippy dream in Sookie’s alternate reality place and rushes over to tell her what she is. But we won’t know until the season finale. Maybe. (Side note: I accidentally read a spoiler when I was reading about the books during season 1, so I already know what she is. I can’t wait to hear the reactions.)
And then, the best moment in True Blood history: Nan is in her limo partaking in a naked lady’s thigh and watching the news, when Russell appears behind the anchor, punches a portion of his spinal column out, and commandeers the news, Network-style. What follows is the best speech ever, and I couldn’t begin to describe it to you without diminishing its insane awesomeness. Watch it below:
