DVD Review: House of Fears (2010)
House Of Fears (2010)
Studio: Terra
Release Date: March 9, 2010
Directed By: Ryan Little
Cast: Corri English, Sandra McCoy, Michael J. Pagan, Corey Sevier & Alice Greczyn
Review By: Prudence J. Figgypudding
The Slasher Film: a popular sub-genre of the horror film industry which provides a therapeutic outlet for the sociopathic, sexually frustrated teenagers of today. Generally a sensationalistic vehicle for a psychopathic killer, a large phallic weapon, copious amounts of blood and nubile teenage girls in revealing underclothes, the slasher film allows the burdened adolescent psyche to safely deal with their fears and anxieties in a safe, controlled environment.
However, as with any prescribed antipsychotic, the gradual dilution of a treatment, whether it be in pill, intravenous or cinematic form, decreases the overall effectiveness of said treatment over time. This is not a recommended course of action for either doctors or filmmakers to pursue. After all, no one wants to see Michael Myers on the receiving end of a hypodermic needle filled with anything less than the maximum dose of Thorazine allowed.
Sadly, as with a Xerox copy of a copy that has been copied one time too many, House Of Fears is sloppy, mostly illegible and unsuitable for public display, which may possibly explain why it took three years to make its dubious debut on DVD.
House Of Fears begins with a classic Cinderella set-up. Samantha (Sam to her friends, of which she has none) is a quiet, blond, bookish, twentysomething high school student who belongs to that rarest of genus-species classifications; the Barbieus-Virginicus-Heroicus. She is the target of much scorn and venom from her stepsister, a tawdry Jezebel christened Hailey, whose personal wardrobe preferences lean towards the skintight and the sparkly. Upon being caught by her father, sneaking out of a bedroom window with the intention of attending a verboten party, Hailey is duly punished by having Sam forcibly foisted upon her, despite Sam’s reluctance to attend said party.
The girls are summarily led astray by a trio of boys, one of whom has been claimed by Hailey but who prefers Samantha, creating even more friction between the stepsisters. Having convinced the girls to eschew the party in favor of a soon-to-be-operational Halloween Haunted House attraction, the teens soon find themselves pursued by their darkest fears through the funhouse corridors, haunted and hunted by an evil spirit able to assume the shape of their greatest fears, hence the mediocre title. Sam, the resourceful smart girl of the group, is now tasked with saving her own life and the life of her stepsister.
To say that the premise of this film is a tired, overused one is akin to suggesting that Nicholas Sparks may not be the most talented or original author in the literary world. From the stiffly staged choreography to the unbelievably intricate booby traps littered throughout the set, House Of Fears is a monument to ineptitude. It is also my sad duty to inform you that there are no actual boobs featured in this film, aside from the aforementioned traps, an abysmally tragic state of affairs for any self-respecting slasher film to find itself mired in.
I can no more recommend this film to an avid fan of the genre than I would suggest serving Spam on Wonderbread at High Tea, which we still take at House Figgypudding every afternoon promptly at 4pm. Needless to say, this lukewarm, formulaic flicker of celluloid will not be reloaded into the Sitting Room’s entertainment center again. It’s a waste of my time, my tea and my Royal Doulton set. Until I can find a suitable neo-slasher film, brother Percy and I shall have to make do with re-showings of Cannibal Holocaust over our Earl Grey.
Honestly, the impertinence of some of these whippersnapper filmmakers just sets my teeth on edge.
