DVD Review: ‘Bitten’ Features Sexy Snappy Vamps and Jason Mewes!
Bitten (2008)
Studio: Rhi Ent.
Release Date: July 6 2010
Directed By: Harvey Glazer
Cast: Jason Mewes, Erica Cox, Richard Fitzpatrick, Jordan Medley and Nic Nac.
Review By: Annie Riordan
Okay, show of hands: who here has ever had a hot, sweaty sexual fantasy about Jay, aka Jason, aka Silent Bob’s foul-mouthed, junkie best friend?
Yeah, me either.
However, having ditched his long unkempt hair and trademark black tuque in favor of a feathery do and some manly stubble, I’ll be the first to admit that Jay has cleaned up rather well. I actually watched Bitten in its entirety without recognizing Jay as being THAT Jay. Strutting through the majority of this film in a sweat stained wife beater and a considerable amount of ink, Jay is – in the lexicon of the young and hip – totally doable. I’d do him. Just saying.
But Jay’s character Jack has a problem. He just can’t get a girl to stick around. After being dumped by his most recent beau, Jack’s only solace is in lamenting his woes to his coworker and best friend Roger, an older guy who is obsessed with both the quality and quantity of his own excrement. Jack and Rog work the night shift, piloting an ambulance through the slums of Some City, reviving junkies and hauling corpses. So it is that, upon returning home in the wee hours of the morning, Jack’s training kicks in when he discovers a young woman in a trash heap behind his seedy apartment building. Covered in blood and suffering from amnesia, the girl refuses to allow Jack to take her to a hospital. So Jack does the next best thing: he takes the girl home, cleans the blood off her face and lets her crash on his couch.
Eventually the girl remembers her name: Danica (Erica Cox). She also gets a new wardrobe courtesy of Jack’s ex Sherry, a shrill voiced bitch who – from the looks of it – shopped exclusively at Victoria’s Secret Economical Ho Bargain Bin. Danica, with her tight body and bright blue eyes, seems like the answer to Jack’s prayers for love…at first. But when it becomes undeniable that Danica is, in fact, a vampire, Jack must make a decision: feed her addiction, or dump her and face the consequences?
Oh, the many drawbacks to dating a vampire: the mess, the hickey’s, the whole bringing-in-stray-girls-for-a-threesome-before-de-sanguinating-them dealio. Yeah, you heard me right. Jack quickly gets tired of cleaning up after Danica’s kills and disposing the drained dry bodies, but he’s totally up for a three way in one of screendom’s longest, bluest and – quite frankly – “alright already I get the point” overlong sex scenes. I actually 2x’d my way through the sex because #1 – I was at work and didn’t want my boss walking into the lunch room and wondering why I was watching the Neverending Orgy and #2 – I got bored. Even on 2x the goddamned thing clocked in around 4 and a half minutes which is excessive to say the least.
However, the film up to that point is quite righteous. Sexy vamps, snappy script and colorful characters. I laughed aloud more than once, especially during the “my new bitch” scene. If I were a guy, I probably would have been wanking off beneath the break room table watching Danica, clad in belly shirts and ass-floss panties, straddle and dry-hump her victims whilst feeding from their geysering carotids. Alas, I’m not a guy, nor am I a lesbian, but did I still find it Hawt? Fuck yeah!
There may not be much here that’s new and/or different as far as the vampire mythology goes, but there’s plenty of sex, blood smeared boobies and funny shit going on, enough to keep you entertained for the duration. Noinch, Noinch, Noinch, Schmokin Weed, Schmokin’ Weed, Doin’ Coke, Drinkin’ Beers, may as well watch Bitten while you’re at it, bitches.
