Cannibal Kebobs
Rip out! Barbeque! Devour!

by Shannon Bucaro

If I had one wish, I would kidnap the world and lock everyone in a room that streamed Cannibal Holocaust 24/7 on a big screen TV. Why on earth would someone do this, you ask? It’s simple, you see: too many people have not seen this movie! Furthermore, I’d be doing you all a disservice if I didn’t internet slap you, call you an idiot, and then tell you to get on it.

Marc and I did a lot of talking about penis last month, and no, not in the way you’re thinking, sicko, but more in the “what is the technical term for more than 1 penis” kind of way. I think we ended on penis to the 2nd degree, and then he sent me a link to a castration scene from Cannibal Ferox. (see that here) Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: what a bunch of wasted youth degenerates. Reality, though – this is just a normal day over at Brutal As Hell. Nonetheless, since then I have had this picture stuck in my head and the undying urge to watch Cannibal Holocaust (sorry, I like this one better than Cannibal Ferox) on repeat and eat fleshy-textured summer foods. Thanks Marc!

Oh, did I finally get your attention? Great, let’s talk about jungle abortions now, then! This is a scene you don’t watch sitting down. Oh no, don’t even think about it. This is a scene that deserves the respect of a crowded room standing in full salute with a silence so dead you could hear a pin drop. I can only imagine what was going through Ruggero Deodato’s mind as he directed this scene. In my head I can imagine him sitting in a large man chair with a grin so big nothing could wipe it off. Of course he’s shouting awesome critiques about how to properly do a ritualistic abortion and the perfect angle to use while bludgeoning someone to death afterwards. Really now, what is it about the Italians that make them direct the most insane horror movies? Ahhh my hero, will you marry me?

Ten days after Ruggero released this movie it was confiscated and he was arrested. Many people questioned whether or not this was really an act of magical camera tricks and prop wizardry, or if – in fact – this was an actual snuff film. The courts believed not only that the four actors portraying the missing film crew were really murdered, but that the actress in the impalement scene was actually skewered. To make matters worse for Deodato, the actors had signed contracts ensuring that they would not appear in any media for one year after the film’s release in order to give a more “real” effect. Eventually charges were dropped, but Cannibal Holocaust was put on the banned list for 3 more years as Ruggero fought tooth and nail until it was finally released. You see, not only are us Italians disturbed, but we are also determined, stubborn assholes.

There is just so much I can say about his film, but I’m sure you all are tired of reading, a little disturbed, and maybe a little hungry. Well, regardless, I know I’m hungry, and the thought of skewered humans makes me want to skewer my own tasty, fleshy treats. Trust me, if I thought my fire escape could withstand a massive July rager, I’d invite you all over so we could cook and get grossed out together just like friends should. Until then, I’ll continue to make you all believers and leave you with a clip of some of the awesome scenes I just talked about, and a little extra to keep you smiling.

To make Cannibal Kebobs with glaze you will need:

• Bell Pepper
• Onion
• Zucchini
• Carrot
• Potato
• (Chop all veggies into bigger chunks and set aside)
• Boneless skinless chicken thighs for the meat eater
• Cubed seitan for the herbivore
• Olive oil if you are cooking with seitan
• Package of skewers – proceed to soak wooden skewers in water for at least 30 minutes before using

For the glaze:

• 4 Tablespoons Sake
• 1/3 Cup dark soy sauce
• 2 Tablespoons Tamari sauce
• 1 Tablespoon mirin or sweet sherry
• 1 Tablespoon sweet n’ spicy honey mustard (I like Mustard Girl brand)
• 1 Tablespoon sugar
• 1 Tablespoon maple syrup
• 1/4 Teaspoon paprika
• A little pepper for taste

To make the sauce: combine all ingredients in a small sauce pan and simmer gently until mixture is reduced by 2/3rds. Remove from heat, then leave to cool

To make the meat version: you will need to cut each chicken thigh into bite-sized pieces and then set aside. Then you thread the chicken and veggies alternately on the drained skewers. Grill over medium heat or cook on the barbeque, brushing generously several times with the sauce, and rotating a couple times. Allow 5-10 minutes, or until chicken is cooked but still moist. Serve with an extra glaze drizzled over.

To make the seitan version: you will need to drain and cut seitan into bite-sized pieces and then proceed to soak the seitan in a separate bowl covered in the barbeque glaze for 30 minutes, covered. Then thread the seitan and veggies alternately on the drained skewers. Grill over medium heat in a large frying pan that has been sprayed nicely with olive oil. Generously brush the skewers with glaze and proceed to cook for about 5-8 minutes.

Now check out this totally rockin’ video featuring Guns n’ Roses, Welcome to the Jungle mixed with some nasty Cannibal Holocaust gore while you’re mowing down on these delicious kebobs!