DVD Review: ‘Suicide Girls Must Die’ – What an Understatement!
Suicide Girls Must Die (2010)
Studio: First Look Pictures
DVD Release Date: June 29, 2010
Directed by: Sawa Suicide
Cast: Various Suicide Girls
Review by: Marc Patterson
I was pretty psyched to watch this film, but not for the reasons you might think. As much as I’m a fan of sleaze and cheese I’m not a huge fan of the Suicide Girls. Not that I disliked them prior to watching this. They just aren’t my thing. So I was pretty amped up to see them get hacked to pieces. If nothing else this should be interesting, right?
In Suicide Girls Must Die the girls go to Maine for a calendar photo shoot. They take a camera crew along to record the shoot, in order to create a full “reality” video package. (There’s even a confessional booth). What the the girls don’t know is that this isn’t your standard photo shoot. The girls are being set up and with cameras rolling we’re in place to watch them get scared to death.
As the action unfolds the the girls show themselves to be as incredibly vapid as we all suspected them to be. There’s bitchy chatter on bus and set up dialogue that is about as interesting as listening to someone talk on Twitter about what they ate for lunch. We get some early drama in the form of public urination on the side of the road that results in a run in with some locals who aren’t as receptive to the gesture, which in turn leads to a visit by a state trooper, who is as cliche as they could make him. Yawn.
They get to their cabin, pair up in beds (how cliche kinky), make fun of moose, and booze it up before crashing out so they can be all perky for their 11AM shoot. Seriously – take some vitamins and quit being so lazy.
The next morning they begin the shoot, girls get naked, and one by one girls start going missing. What’s hilarious is that for the most part no one notices and if they do they certainly don’t care. They just write them off, keep smoking pot and slapping each others asses. I’m literally losing brain cells watching this. It nigh to unendurable. Eventually after the third girl goes missing a few bleeding hearts start to freak out.
At this point it’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s fake, There are some rather obvious set ups, like the warden who flies in his boat plane to find the girl that disappeared off a one acre island. Then there’s a hobo who has inhabited the island for thirty years in his tent. What? For real? I don’t want to give everything away, because most assuredly one of you reading this will actually WANT to see this film and then I’ll be the asshole who gave the whole damn film away. And no one likes that guy. So let’s get to my criticism, shall we?
I’ll start with the pluses (and they are few). The film is shot rather effectively in a reality TV show style which means lots of quick cuts, rapid zooms, peppy music to augment the scenes and ignorant comments that set up the narrative. Hey – when you don’t have anything intelligent to say you might as well quick cut your way around the room to some pop-punk rock. Personally speaking I didn’t care one bit about any of these girls or whatever drama they are getting into. This was like watching the Real World for me. It’s was an exercise in pure hell. I digress. From a technical vantage-point the film is pretty solid.
Technical prowess is where the buck stops on quality filmmaking. Yes, if you’re a fan of the Suicide Girls then you’re going to get your money’s worth in terms of nude photo shoots, though I’d argue that even this is debatable. You get exactly what you see on the website, so the film does a great job in carrying their brand over into video. I guess we can count quality branding in on the positives, but again – filmmaking is not SG’s forte. Film here defined not as a medium, but as the ability to present a coherent story with interesting characters, and some sort of cohesive plot. To our definition Suicide Girls Must Die was a complete and utter failure.
As a standalone film this sucks. There’s no understanding exhibited to any aspect of proper filmmaking. It’s as though the formula of throw a bunch of girls on screen and attempt to scare them was enough for these gals to run with. It’s not interesting or the least bit engaging. As a reality show it blows. It’s boring and so are the girls. Hell, I even got bored of the shoots, and regular readers know that’s a heck of a tall statement coming from me. As horror… oh shit… it would seem someone forgot they were making a horror film because there is no horror.
Suicide Girls Must Die was made for one audience only: fans of the Suicide Girls who want to see these girls strut their stuff. Fans of horror who choose to watch this film will only find themselves as duped as the poor young gals who were “victimized” on screen. Our recommendation is to pass, pass, and pass.
