In Defense of Idiocy – ‘Transylmania’
by Marc Patterson
Transylmania just came out on DVD and while I technically should be reviewing the film, it’s kinda one of those flicks that everyone is pretty well aware of and more to the point – anything but a negative review would be out of line. Yeah, it’s one of those. No one expects it to be good, and nearly every horror critic is in agreement – Transylmania is astoundingly horrible. Transylmania exudes everything about dumb horror comedy that should draw such fiery criticism. However, to the defense of the film, it is exactly what it intends to be and no, it doesn’t ride the current vampire fad, riding on the heels of such drivel as Twilight. It’s just another dumb vampire comedy in a long line of dumb vampire comedies. For that matter, it’s just another horror spoof in a long line of horror spoof films.
Transylmania is the story of Rusty, a really dorky college student who meets a hot and horny Romanian girl over the internet. In order to meet her in real life, Rusty convinces his half-retarded friends to commit to a semester abroad at an exclusive Romanian University in hip and happening Transylvania. En route they learn of the vampiric history of the school, and upon arrival, find out that it’s not exactly the classy joint they thought it was. It’s more like a decrepit old castle that is cursed. Rusty and friends are there to somehow break that curse, and of course win the day over those bloodsuckers. “Beer, babes, and bongs” is what the film promises, and you know what… that’s what we get. There’s loads of really hot chicks showing off their tits and more tongue in cheek horror than John Waters could handle. But is it good? Not even slightly. But are you surprised? You shouldn’t be.
Transylmania was made for a very specific audience – folks who like fart jokes, midgets, chicks with deformities, vampire-hunting chicks in dominatrix outfits, cheesy sleaze, and over the top dry humor. The plot is questionable, but it’s not really meant to be cohesive or coherent. It’s just there to help fill out 97 minutes of half-hearted chuckles. The acting is pretty bad, but is it supposed to be good? Seriously. I can criticize the film, but I really should be criticizing the horror fans and critics who would snub their nose at it. Let’s be honest. What exactly were you thinking this would be?
No, it’s not Elvira, though the jokes certainly are dry enough. No, it doesn’t bear the comedic genius of Young Frankenstein, and no it doesn’t have the classic stylings of Serial Mom. But Transylmania is not the first horror comedy flop to come along. Let’s talk about some films like Dracula: Dead and Loving It. Mel Brooks may have been brilliant in Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein, but who would have thought the writer of those classic film would have churned out a pile of garbage like Dracula: Dead and Loving It? Poor Leslie Nielsen. I actually fell asleep in the theater to this film. Hey, how about Eddie Murphy? Eddie Murphy is a name brand comedian, but have you seen Vampire In Brooklyn? I have. Once again I paid theater ticket money to see it and boy did I feel ripped off. And here’s yet another Leslie Nielsen film that went tits up… Repossessed. (Does anyone even remember these films?) How about all of the sequels to Scary Movie? I liked the first one, but the rest? Not so much. See, forget about pulling twatlight fans into theaters and focus on the storied history of the horror spoof. It’s a long history, but sadly not that distinguished.
So the question begs, is Transylmania a bad movie because it’s poorly written, scripted, and acted, or is it actually a good “bad” movie, meaning that it was made with this intent and succeeds to the point of its intent? And don’t be confused on how I put that out there. I don’t mean “so bad it’s good”, because I don’t consider the film good by any means, and moreso I passionately dislike that phrase. But, it would certainly seem that I went into Transylmania with my expectations in line. (Oh and a six pack of beer didn’t hurt). Bottom line? I’ve seen all of these spoof movies, and many of them in the theater, which only proves that I may be as dumb as some of these characters for continually forking over my hard-earned dollars to watch this half-assed humor. Thing is, I like dry humor. I like anything tongue-in-cheek. I am admittedly the king of bad jokes and I would argue that yes, there is a place for bad humor in cinema. Perhaps it’s not in your library, but there is an audience for this, and when it comes down to it… I did somewhat like this film. Against some of those aforementioned flops, it actually held up quite well. Its cheesiness grew on me like a moldy fungus. While Transylmania isn’t for the vast majority of you beer-guzzling gorehounds, there are a few who will find it a mildly enjoyable film to zone out to. Now Stan Helsing… whew… that’s another story.
