DVD Review: Southern Gothic
Southern Gothic (2007)
Studio: MPI Home Video
Release Date: May 18, 2010
Directed By: Mark Young
Cast: Yul Vazquez, Nicole DuPort, William Forsythe, Emily Catherine Young & Jonathan Sachar.
Review By: Annie Riordan
The hot water heater conked out here yesterday. When I called my landlord to inform her of the problem, I found myself using words like “lukewarm” and “tepid” to describe the wholly unsatisfactory shower I had just taken. Perhaps the plumbing problems were a warning from some Higher Power that was fully aware of my intent to view “Southern Gothic” the following day, as the adjectives I employed to describe the situation can also be applied to the plot of this film.
Southern Gothic is the classic, time tested tale of Boy Meets Girl, Boy Loses Girl, Boy Must Battle a Shitload of Vampires to Get Girl Back and Redeem Himself. In this case, the Boy in question is Hazel Fortune, a dude with a bad job, a worse drinking habit and an unfortunate resemblance to Kane Hodder, albeit skinnier. Fortune hasn’t been the same since his little girl died in a car accident and his wife walked out on him. Now he spends his days draining bottles and his nights bouncing slobs from a seedy strip club. Fortune is a dead man walking, too pussy to actually commit suicide and too old to be emo. Despite his overwhelming aura of self-pity, he manages to be reasonably likable.
Only slightly less likable is Starla, the new pole dancer at the strip joint where Fortune works. Her taciturn hostility immediately attracts the dour bouncer, who has obviously read the book “Why Men Love Bitches” one time too many. Unfortunately, she also attracts the attention of pervy preacher man Pitt (a scummier than usual William Forsythe) whose hands-on approach to the girl gets him kicked out of the club after exchanging death threats with Fortune.
Oh, you just know that the fat sweaty Jesus Freak will be back. He’s already beaten up one girl, and now he’s set his sights on Starla. Ain’t nuthin’ like a southern-fried stalker to play your bad guy – after all, it worked for M. Emmet Walsh in Blood Simple.
But Pitt gets an unexpected boost to his psychopathy when he’s attacked and bitten by a vampire later that night. Believing he has been granted immortality by the Lawd Himsaylf, Pitt returns to his backwater congregation and sets about turning them into a vampire army who will wipe out the wicked in the name of Jaysus Ay-MEN! But his real goal is to give Starla a hickey she’ll never forget.
When Starla goes missing, Fortune finds himself caring for her ten year old daughter Hope, a little girl whose name is also a subplot. When Hope too is taken by the Vamp Clan, Fortune must rescue her if he’s to redeem himself for the death of his daughter and blahblahblah, overdramatic dialog exchanges and cheap contact lenses, yadda yadda yadda.
Despite my lack of enthusiasm about this film as a whole, I can’t really say it’s the worst vampire flick I’ve ever seen. It suffers from poor acting, a rancidly saccharine pop soundtrack, a cliche-ridden script and some of the fakest looking fake blood I’ve seen outside of a Karo syrup display, but it’s still not a total loss and I’m really not sure why. I guess maybe Justice is just likable enough to make the viewing bearable, and little Hope just cute enough to make us hope (pun intended) for a happy ending.
Laughably unoriginal, but not without its moments.
