DVD Review: Life Blood
Life Blood
Director: Ron Carlson
DVD Release Date: April 27, 2010
Cast: Sophie Monk, Anya Lahiri, Scout Taylor-Compton, Justin Shilton,
Review by Marc Patterson
Some forty years ago, back in the late sixties, there were these two really bombtastic babes names Brooke and Rhea (Monk and Lahiri respectively) who ruled the California countryside with their smoking hot looks. As models, and lesbian lovers, they made all the crazy party scenes until one night, in the middle of a desert, all that changed. A totally and completely unexplained supernatural event occurred after Brooke murdered some guy at a party. (Yeah, shit tends to get out of control with those late 60′s Hollywood scenes.) This bizarre event caused Brooke and Rhea to be vanquished to a desert grave for forty years until they would again rise to exact the will of a deity that they blindly will trust and follow without question. Their mission? Kill evildoers and set free the innocent from… well at least they would strike down evil.
Let’s just get this out of the way first: Was that one of the worst plot lines you’ve EVER heard or what? Unique, yes, but seriously… total shit. Okay, so we have a couple of girls who are going to be vampiric vigilantes. They are also going to do a lot of making out, and they aren’t going to wear much, if anything. Cool. I can dig that. The question is, will the unique premise and sexy focal point come together to create a B-movie extravaganza to remember, or just another night of crappy horror to get drunk and pass out to? Well… let’s dive into the muff of the film shall we?
Originally titled Pearblossom, then Murder World, and now in its final incarnation, Life Blood, this was one film that I really, really, really, REALLY, wanted to like. Sophie Monk is undeniably hot. I called The Hills Run Red the best slasher of 2009 (something I’ll stand by), and I really expected a lot more from this cheap Vampire Lesbos knockoff. First, I expected to see Sophie Monk’s tits, but went away empty-handed. I guess I’ll just have to settle for re-watching The Hills Run Red again, and again. The other was that I thought I’d get some really cool gore. That we did get, at least here and there. But certainly not enough to satisfy my blood lust. Listen, I’m a simple guy with simple pleasures. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m easy, but I don’t ask for much. But maybe I do. Give me what I want and I go home happy.
The primary problem with Life Blood, outside of a really bad title(s), is that it never pushed the envelope enough. Clearly it wanted to be a fun, sexy, campy flick featuring a duo of lipstick lesbian vampire babes that would have guys in the audience adjusting their pants to keep the boners at bay. Instead it came off as taking itself somewhat seriously, something I just couldn’t accept, regardless of how self-aware the film obviously was to its camp leanings. Here’s the rule of thumb with camp: If you’re going to do camp you can’t hold back. You have to go balls to the wall with the gonzo. If you set the joke up, you have to deliver a punch line with gusto. Tossing in a midget sheriff that gets no respect is a good start, but it’s not the end all of all. Including a store called “Murder World” helps, but not much. More. You gotta have more. It’s like Christopher Walken taught us all: We can always have MORE COWBELL! Life Blood showed signs of life, but spent most of its run time on life support drifting between spots of slow to no action, interspersed with bad dialogue dryly delivered.
Where did it succeed? Well, there’s no arguing it nailed lipstick lesbian vampire down, and featured a fuck-ton of hot girl on girl action, but that’s about it. As soon as I saw the midget cop (Danny Woodburn), I knew we were in for trouble. When Charles Napier showed up as the lead sheriff, the whole film fell apart into a laugh fest, before dying in snoozeville. I mean, first we’re supposed to get into the whole idea that this Touched by an Angel being comes down from heaven to turn old Thelma and Louise into vampires so that they can act as virtual angels of death to evil men. I did like how the “goddess” chick offers her finger up to them as if to say “Just suck on my finger and you’ll cum back to life.” Then Sophie, errr… Brooke goes all rogue. They end up at some dive gas station (see Hills Have Eyes), where Brooke wreaks all sorts of crazy on the attendant, the patrons, and whoever the hell else happens to stumble through. 
Oh yeah… then the film suddenly and unexpectedly ends, gets dressed and slips out, without offering so much as a reach around. I literally sat up in my seat and said “That’s it!?”
If you think this review is incoherent it’s no mistake. It sadly couldn’t be more clear. It mirrors the ridiculous and challenging premise of the film and if you can deal with that… well then more girl power to ya!
