‘The Caretaker’ DIY Slasher Gone Mad
The Caretaker (2009)
Studio: MTI Home Video
Release Date: February 23, 2010
Directed By: Bryce Olson
Cast: Kira Verrastro, James Immekus, Jennifer Tilly, Jennifer Freeman & Judd Nelson
Review By: Annie Riordan
Sigh…
I’m going to invent a new toy. And I shall call it “The Slasher Movie Do-It-Yourself kit!” And there shall be much rejoicing. Said kit will contain an even number of male and female paper dolls with interchangeable personalities: slutty, bitchy, virginal, stupid, jerkoff, nice guy, oversexed, etc. But wait, there’s more! If you order now, you’ll also receive a shaky plot, a bottle of ketchup, a spooky cabin in the woods (some assembly required), and a thinly-disguised tragic secret lurking in the past. Imagination is not included. Offer void in Utah and Alaska for reasons which should be fairly obvious.
A bitchy teenage slut (or is she a slutty teenage bitch?), her sorta stupid blond friend, and the sweetly innocent new girl in town are heading off to the Halloween dance with three teenage boys; a jerk, a slightly bigger jerk, and the nice but dorky guy. But the guys decide to nix the dance and instead take the girls out to the local Haunted House in an abandoned grapefruit orchard, which actually looks more like a slightly run down tool shed in somebody’s backyard. Their goal is to scare the girls with the legend of the crazy guy who once lived there, opted to dress like Vincent Van Gogh, and ended up killing a whole buncha people with a long handled fruit picker. Incase you’re wondering, that’s a thing that looks like a pitchfork except the tines go in a circle. And just because it’s never been used in a slasher film before does NOT make it cool or interesting in any way. Incorporate a carrot peeler in your movie and maybe I’ll be impressed.
Anyway, lots of people die, nobody gets laid, and the killer is exactly who you think it probably is. The End.
Flashbacks, fart jokes, zero substance abuse, and one ho-hum titty shot makes for a very long plod through the slasher film wasteland, a terrain already overflowing with the detritus of overused plot devices and superficial characters. The cast of kiddies really can’t act and just cannot carry a film all by themselves. The filmmakers – perhaps sensing this – threw in Jonathan Breck (the monster from Jeepers Creepers) as a creepy pervo limo driver and a bored looking Judd Nelson to bookend the deal. I’m sorry to report that neither helps much either.
In fact, the only reason to watch this movie is to see Jennifer Tilly play the Betty Boop voiced vamp in a too-tight dress, her honeydew melon sized boobs threatening to burst right the fuck out of her bodice at any given moment. Sadly they never do, but she struts, bounces, jiggles and snipes her way through the middle of the movie, leading our cast of teenage sheep astray and looking perfectly content in her throwaway role of Maybe Murderous MILF. She’s a brightly burning Glowstick in the midst of the world’s most boring rave.
If this film was trying to be a spoof, it failed miserably. If it was trying to be a serious slasher, it also failed miserably. It’s dull, dim and only slightly less annoying than 2006’s Dark Fields.
And Judd Nelson, what the fuck are you doing? You’re not enough of a neo maxi zoom dweebie to be doing films like this, dude. Stop it immediately.
Trailer:
