DVD Review: Open Graves
Open Graves (2009)
Studio: Lionsgate
Release Date: February 23, 2010
Directed By: Álvaro de Armiñán
Cast: Eliza Dushku, Mike Vogel, Jose Casasus, Naike Rivelli & Lindsay Caroline Robba
Review By: Annie Riordan
The sunny coast of Spain. Hot bikini babes and ripped surfer boys bombard the beach with their bouncy, buffed, bronzed beauty. After a day spent riding the waves, a bunch of assholishly vacuous friends gather to party. The alcohol is plentiful, the girls are willing, and that one sexy beach bunny that jerkoff Jason had has his eye on all day shows up too, obviously eager to return his interest. When the power blows out mid-party, it seems there’s only one thing left to do. Yeah, that’s right…it’s time to play a board game!
Whoa, wait, what? You’re American, on vacation in Europe, half-drunk, paired off and horny as hell, and you decide to spend the night playing the world’s creepiest looking game given to you by that sinister paraplegic you insulted earlier in the marketplace? Really? College boy, you’re doing it wrong.
Sooner than you can utter the words “overused plot point”, the game’s losing players are being killed off one by one, in exactly the same way that the game’s corny loser cards said they would! Turns out it isn’t just any ol’ mass-produced Parker Brothers time-waster, but a centuries old, one of a kind game, crafted from the flesh and bones of a witch executed at the height of Torquemada’s Inquisition! Win the game and your dearest wish will be granted. Lose and you die. Watch this movie and roll your eyes, if they’re still open that is.
Wow, just when I thought I’d seen every formulaic, badly-acted slasher film starring the most one-dimensional, unlikable young people ever to walk the earth, along comes the most formulaic, badly-acted slasher film starring the most one-dimensional, unlikable young people ever to walk the fucking earth! Too predictable to please established horror fans, and too gory to appeal to the teenybopper crowd (despite a laughable pop-music soundtrack and a supercheesy sun-splashed romantic montage), I can’t imagine who this was aimed at. Yes, Eliza Dushku is in it, but she doesn’t get naked so what’s the point?
You’d be better off playing a board game than watching this movie. Even Hungry Hungry Hippos seems intellectually challenging by comparison.
