DVD Review: Hellweek
Studio: Celebrity Video Distribution
Release Date: January 5, 2010
Directed By: Eddie Lengyel
Cast: Rob Jaeger, Karen Fox, Michael Reddy, Robyn Griggs & Steve Thomlin
Review By: Annie Riordan
The best thing about Hellweek is its title: it’s a very accurate, two syllable description of both the torturous viewing experience and the film’s excruciatingly eternal runtime.
HellaWeak…oh sorry, I mean Hellweek…is the story of fraternity hazing, sorority sluts, and an abandoned warehouse which has never been explored by the police despite the laughably bad “news report” at film’s start which states that lots of people have disappeared around there over the years and urban legend holds that a bunch of Satan worshipping killers live somewhere deep within its bowels…and five minutes into this movie was enough to convince me that deep within Satan’s bowels is exactly where this movie came from.
The movie spends a large chunk of its hour and forty minute runtime establishing just what assholes the main characters are, how insecure their girlfriends are, and how their relationships are, like, totally not working out and stuff. By the time the goobery pledges are dropped off at the warehouse as part of their hazing, I can’t even say that I stopped caring because I’d never really given a shit to begin with.
Soon, a bunch of clown-painted rejects in bad masks pop out of the shadows and proceed to rape Tobe Hooper’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre right up the rectum. More and more clueless idiots wander into the trap and are killed. After a very long time, during which I developed a severe facial tic and had entered near catatonia, the movie ends. I’ve forgotten all the characters names. I don’t even remember if it had a happy ending, although the very fact that it DID eventually end made me happier than I’ve ever been.
Once again, I am officially updating my Worst Ever movie list and replacing Mr. Jingles (currently in the #1 slot) with Hellweek. At least Mr. Jingles clocked in at a mercifully short 80 minutes. This goddamned thing goes on forever and does, in all truthiness, feel like a Week of pure Hell.