It’s Alive (2008)
Studio: Millenium Films/First Look Pictures
Directed by: Josef Rusnak
Cast: Bijou Phillips, James Murray, Raphael Coleman, Owen Teale, Ty Glaser
Review by: Britt Hayes

Those familiar with the 1974 Larry Cohen classic killer baby film It’s Alive will undoubtedly be familiar with this story, and some may even be excited: Larry Cohen is credited as a co-writer of this 2008 remake of his own film. Instead of comparing and contrasting the two films, which would be tiresome and useless, I’ll just say this: the 1974 version of It’s Alive works for many reasons, chief among which is the time in which the film was made, and Cohen’s willingness to embrace the absurd with buckets of blood in tow.

I love Netflix. I love how they have this relationship with DTV horror films. Why? Because I don’t want to pay for something that I know is going to make me want to kill myself after watching it. I’d rather pay my $20 a month and enjoy the capability to stream my piles of garbage ad nauseum. Something about it feels…right, in comparison to shelling out $4 for an hour and a half of awful. And so I’m glad I chose to watch It’s Alive via Netflix Instant Watch instead of renting, or – heaven forbid – buying this offensive (and not in the yummy way us horror fans enjoy) waste of film.

Lenore Harker is in college and thisclose to getting her degree in something uppity and literature-y; unfortunately, she’s also 6 months pregnant. So what does she decide to do? Drop out and move in with her baby daddy, Frank, in his just-built-by-a-crew-yesterday house conveniently in the middle of nowhere, of course. Also in the picture are Lenore’s college roommate, Marnie, who’s all pissy about Lenore moving out, and Frank’s little wheelchair-bound brother, Chris, who’s somewhat damaged from some useless bit of information involving his and Frank’s parents dying before their time. Seriously, this aspect of the story has nothing to do with anything, and lends no character development. Also, there are no cool scenes with the kid in the wheelchair overcoming the psycho baby and valiantly saving a life. His wheelchair has no plot relevance whatsoever, not even on a subtle, deeper level.

The film wastes no time sending Lenore into labor. Within 10 minutes of the film’s start, psycho baby is clawing at her belly in the shower, and off to the emergency room she goes. It’s here that I began to notice that whoever mixed the sound on this was obviously less talented than most high school kids with editing software that I know: the sound quality is reminiscent of bad English dubbing over a 70’s Dragon Dynasty film. Soon after Lenore enters the ER, Frank is informed that the baby has doubled in size in the last month, and they need to give Lenore a C-section immediately. No worries, it’s a common procedure. It’ll be fine.

Of course it isn’t, and what follows is probably the best scene in the entire film: a complete homage to the 1974 original. Blood covering the windows to the operating room, dead doctors and nurses tossed about, but we never see what exactly happened. It’s obvious, though: the baby killed everyone.

Lenore and Frank take little Satan home with no trouble (of course no one is going to think the baby did it), and it’s not long before Lenore realizes there’s something wrong with the baby when he bites her during a breastfeeding session. Things escalate from there, with the little one’s appetite increasing day after day, and since he’s a freak of nature and apparently part-mole and part-Hitler, he can run, plot, and tunnel through walls. We don’t see much of the baby, but it’s suggested that his features distort when he, uh, feeds.

There are so many offenses in It’s Alive, with the most grave probably being the unnecessary and obvious use of CGI. When working on a small budget, what on earth drives horror filmmakers to use what little cash they have on cheap computer effects? I expected more with a vet like Cohen involved. Maybe he said something, maybe he didn’t, but when you see a CGI’d baby’s hand with CGI’d claws grasping his mother’s shoulder, it’s laughable, at best. Or how about a CGI’d baby fist punching through a dead person’s head? These things are all too real, and they exist in this film.

Perhaps the CGI wouldn’t have been so offensive had the story and the characters been better. It seems like It’s Alive was trying to be something it’s not, and the first thing that comes to mind is Grace, inevitably. I can’t say that the people in charge of this film were trying to copy anything, since Grace actually came out after It’s Alive was made, but since the release of It’s Alive was delayed, maybe they went back and tried to edit the film to mimic Grace in some way. It’s possible, but I don’t have the facts. What I do know is that Grace was executed masterfully, filled with moments of sheer terror and chilling horror. Grace focused on the unbreakable bond between mother and baby, how far a mother will go to protect her baby, and the ideas of feeding and being fed upon.

But baby Grace didn’t have the abilities of a Ninja or that creepy heroin withdrawal baby in Trainspotting, either. As far-fetched as Grace was, it was more feasible in the imagination than It’s Alive. With It’s Alive, the baby is mobile and rips people to shreds. There’s really only one vibe this movie can have: corny, and the creators didn’t embrace that at all. Instead, they pushed too hard to make It’s Alive something it could never be. We don’t spend enough time with Lenore to get to know her, and the one flashback we’re given comes off as a thinly veiled anti-abortion message.

Bijou Phillips is in full-tilt shit mode here. Phillips really only works well when cast as one type: jaded, semi-white trash, promiscuous bitch. I can truthfully recall 2 films I liked her in: Bully and Hostel Part 2. The end. The dynamic between Lenore and Frank is flat and dull. Lenore constantly looks disgusted by his presence and disinterested in him as a human being. Even further, it’s ridiculous to think that he doesn’t notice what this baby is doing until it’s too late, and even more ridiculous to think his little brother, who seems to be at home all day, has no idea until right before Frank does.

It’s Alive is a cesspool of horror film offenses, bundled into 90 minutes of eye-gouge-inducing hell. Save yourself a headache and watch your old copy of the ‘74 classic. It’s what I should’ve done…or at least let Annie review it instead. She’s used to this shit.