by Marc Patterson

With Christmas now behind us we’re fast moving towards the end of yet another year in horror and for us this is where we get all retrospective. This week we’ll be publishing a variety of year end articles looking at the “year in review”. To kick it off we just have to start with the reviews.  Doling out our opinion with brutal honesty is our bread and butter and there is never any shortage of snark around these parts.  Here’s a round up of the best quotes you’re guaranteed to never see used on any promotional material, least of all a DVD cover…

This is the kind of no-budget movie that seeks to defy the obvious critique “this is a piece of shit,” because it is knowingly so and not attempting to be anything more. Therefore it’s no longer a piece of shit. Right? Well, sometimes, maybe – but not in the case of Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned. Knowing shit it might be, but it’s still pretty much just plain shit. – Ben Bussey – (Bachelor Party In the Bungalow of the Damned)

It’s not every day you see a girl pop a squat in the bushes and take a dump. Welcome to low budget horror. – Marc Patterson (Animal Soup)

Even the most newbie of horror fans – I dare say, even a braindead, comatose, vegatative horror fan – will be able to figure out what’s going on before the flick is even half over, and by then you’ll have discovered that there is no one to root for and nothing worth saving anywhere in this overplotted pile of loose strings and rejected scraps. – Annie Riordan (Dark Mirror)

I’d rather watch a Uwe Boll film ten times rather than suffer through any Rob Zombie’s messes. - Marc Patterson (El Superbeasto)

Butt sex, followed by oatmeal in the morning. Is there any other way? – Britt Hayes (Eulogy For A Vampire)

If you have ever wondered (as I have) what might have happened if you’d let that creepy janitor in the third grade take your hand, or accepted that scumbag’s offer to work in his strip club at age seventeen, this movie will have you donning Kevlar undergarments, adopting a pitbull and purchasing pepper spray in bulk. – Annie Riordan (Human Trafficking)

Fucking cock bollocks. – Ben Bussey – (Lesbian Vampire Killers)

The dramatization of their predicaments is indeed a sad reality, but this is a vampire movie: you can look at the girls. It’s okay. – Annie Riordan (P)

Snuffin’ Zombies sounds like the kind of film that should have ghetto box old school raps featuring Ice T, some booty shaking bitches and circa 1990’s drive-by’s where fields of zombies are plowed down with Uzi’s. C’mon, spread the love. – Marc Patterson (Snuffin’ Zombies)

Taste of Flesh plays like it was written by a thirteen year-old boy in a thirty minute interval between playing World of Warcraft and tugging one out to the Paris Hilton tape. - Ben Bussey – (Taste of Flesh)

75% of this flick is boobies being groped and close-up shots of incredibly hairy 70’s beavers. Oh well, at least they match the girls hairy armpits. – Annie Riordan (Requiem For A Vampire)

Someone, please, remove the head or destroy the brain. – Dustin Hall (Survival of the Dead)

I wouldn’t ban Taste of Flesh because of any concerns that it may be sadistic, misogynistic, nihilistic and/or undermining of family values or some such shit. No, I’d ban Taste of Flesh for the simple reason that it is quite possibly the most pathetic, inept, soul-destroyingly awful piece of filmmaking it has ever been my misfortune to witness. - Ben Bussey (Taste of Flesh)

Fuck this movie. Fuck it hard, like the Hollywood whore that it is. – Annie Riordan (The Uninvited)

While I know nothing of Rue as an actress I had to wonder about the future of porn in Digital 3-D – Marc Patterson – (My Bloody Valentine 3-D)