Eulogy for a Vampire (2009)

Directed by: Patrick McGuinn

Written by: Andre Salas

Cast: Ryan G. Metzger, Sal Bardo, Wilson Hand, Darin Guerrasio, Damacio Ruiz, David McWeeney, Angelo Tursi, Craig Philip Lumsden

Review by: Britt Hayes

In a secluded monastery, a young student named Anthony falls in love with another young student named Florian. When Florian rebuffs Anthony’s advances, Anthony kills him out of lust and envy. 25 years later, and Anthony is now a priest at the monastery, presiding over young students with Father Lars. Strange things are happening around the monastery: dead animal carcasses split in two have been showing up closer and closer to the grounds, and now they’ve found a young man named Sebastian, who can’t remember what happened to him. But something sinister lurks within Sebastian, and some of the young men have been seeing visions of Florian. Anthony’s guilt begins catching up with him as he starts to lose his sanity.

Here’s the thing: if you’re homophobic, this film is not for you. Every single man in this movie is gay. I’m not against gay people – quite the opposite. I just thought I’d fill you guys in, just in case it’s not your cup of tea. And I want to address something right now: any of my opinions, good or bad, have nothing to do with the fact that the men in the film are gay.

Eulogy for a Vampire is not a great film. I tried to look beyond the low budget, and let the plot take me wherever it was going. The problem is that the plot goes….nowhere. The vampire element doesn’t play a role until the last twenty to thirty minutes. And these vampires are just bad. The makeup effects were pretty good when it came to blood, skin, and stabbings, but the makeup used on the vampires is so elementary. It’s like walking into a teenage goth party. White makeup that isn’t blended properly, purple around the eyes, and they don’t have fangs.

In the first ten minutes, we’re shown masturbation, murder, animal sacrifice, monks rubbing blood all over young Anthony, and softcore-level gay butt sex. If I had to stick this film in a genre, I’d call it Gay Horror Softcore Porn. The sex does nothing to move the plot forward, really. Raphael and Eric, two of the student characters, are in a relationship, so their sexual encounters have some merit.

Sebastian’s character is lost on me. It seems that he’s partially a vessel for Florian, and there’s some mention of an ancient symbol, which is never explained. Sebastian shows up, causes a lot of trouble, and every man in the monastery except for Father Anthony, is obsessed with him to some degree.

As far as the vampire plot, I have no clue what it has to do with anything. The title seems to make sense as Florian is in need of a eulogy, I suppose, and by taking revenge on Father Anthony and the monastery, he’s getting his farewell. But Florian isn’t played as a vampire. He’s played as a spectre, a sort of ghostly influence or force.

The acting is pretty terrible, but Wilson Hand as Father Anthony is pretty convincing, at least until the end when things really fall apart. Nate Steinwachs as Stefano is the absolute worst. He consistently overacts and chews the scenery. Someone has obviously been taking night classes at the Sharon Stone school of acting.

Aesthetically, the camera work is all over the place. There are some grainy exterior shots that were interesting, but didn’t seem to have a point in the context of the film itself. Most of the scenes are of low quality, and some involve voice overs that are loud, sloppy, and distracting. Blue and green seem to dominate much of the lighting in darker, “scarier” scenes, and there is a gross overuse of a smoke machine. All of this is distracting to the lackluster plot.

The cinematography wasn’t all terrible, though. In the scenes near the lake, and the flashbacks to Anthony and Florian, the film has this interesting greenish-yellow look that I found rather appealing, visually.

Eulogy for a Vampire is not a scary movie, unless you’re 10 years old and utterly repressed. There was one sound effect that involved some sort of monstrous wolf howling (something else that went nowhere – there were no wolves in the film, but plenty of obscure shots of goats) that was pretty interesting, but the other sound effects were off-putting, and not in the welcomed sense. When Anthony is killing Florian in the beginning, the stabbing sound effect is so terrible. It doesn’t sound like stabbing at all. It’s more of a wet, bouncy sound. There wasn’t a single moment where I felt scared while watching this film. Period.

Some of the notes I made were:

• This feels like student work. Like a college student’s first music video.
• Did a 15 year old write this?
• I demand that this plot make sense!
• Balls. Those were balls.
• If Anthony starts singing “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” by Celine Dion with all these flashbacks of killing Florian, I’m out.
• Not scary.
• Boring.
• Makes no fucking sense.
• What is this music, Kraftwerk?
• Knife goes in, comes out clean?
• BITCH SLAP!
• “I didn’t know monks had boyfriends, or smoked.”
• Butt sex, followed by oatmeal in the morning. Is there any other way?
• I should open a gay monastery.
• Only 7 lashes for repeated acts of gay butt sex? This monastery ROCKS!

Eulogy for a Vampire lacks technical proficiency and a solid, cohesive plot. The acting is lackluster, as are the audio and visual effects. On the other hand, it drove me to write some hilarious notes, and I amused countless followers on Twitter as I pretty much live-Tweeted the film. I suggest only watching with a group of non-homophobic friends and a large amount of alcohol.