Slash and Dine October – I Don’t Wanna Be Buried in a Pet Cemetery (Cake)
by Natalie Slater of Bake & Destroy
I don’t really know how to begin to explain or apologize for this cake. I guess beginning at the beginning is always a good plan. When I was a kid, my school was part of the Scholastic Book Club. Every month (or so) our teacher would pass out the new catalog and give us a deadline to have our parent’s checks handed in by. Then in a few weeks, the lucky kids whose parents let them buy books from the program got their delivery and everyone else felt like a poor kid.
I always asked my mom to let me buy sticker books, books on performing table magic, posters of Lamborghinis (I don’t know why they sold those but they did) and also, Halloween party idea books. Usually she said no, and suggested that I buy something more worthwhile like, you know, an actual book. So I’d place my order for The Indian in the Cupboard and head to the school library to check out all the stuff I wasn’t allowed to buy.
One day, I think I was in 3rd grade, I checked out the Halloween party idea book. Inside were all kinds of amazing and disgusting ideas – blood shot eyes (deviled eggs), spaghetti and brains, mummy cupcakes… you name it. And my idea of Halloween as a scary holiday was forever changed – ever since that day I have believed Halloween to be a disgusting holiday. I like a pumpkin-shaped cookie as much as the next girl, but if it gushes jelly blood when you bite into it, even better. So this cake – the Kitty Litter Cake – is right up my alley. Now I am obviously not the genius who first invented this cake – and I’ve seen lots of conflicting statements by various people who claim to be its inventor. Let’s just say, whoever they are, they were the greatest gross-out baker of all time.
When I was telling my husband about this cake I suggested that I make a 100% from-scratch version because, as you will see, the original is made out of al kinds of processed garbage. At that, Tony gave me a piece of advice that I promise to live the rest of my life by, “Keep it white trash, Natalie.” So yes, you could bake your cake from scratch, and you could use up a dozen eggs making your own pudding – you could even make your own vanilla sandwich cookies and chocolate chews but… this cake is gross, in many ways, and I believe if you do those things you will find you’ve wasted your time.
Please note that most versions of this cake you will find on the Internet make enough to serve about 20 people. If you need to feed that many people a poop cake, you should buy a brand-new kitty litter box to serve it in and double this recipe. For my smaller version, you can use a big shoe box (maybe one a pair of boots came in) or a similarly sized box with the sides cut down to about 4-5”.
To make this cake you will need:
A large shoebox (maybe one for boots)
Litter liner bag or a garbage bag, cut down
A brand-new cat litter scoop
1 package German chocolate cake mix (or your favorite scratch recipe)
1 package vanilla instant pudding
1/2 package (6oz) yellow sandwich cookies
Green food coloring
Several Tootsie rolls
Then you:
Prepare the cake as directed on package – bake it in any pan you like, you’re going to smash it all up when it’s cool. While the cake is baking, prepare the pudding and chill.
While the cakes are cooling, process 1/2 package of yellow sandwich cookies in a food processor. Use the pulse function to make course crumbs. In a small dish, mix about 3 tablespoons of the cookie crumbs with the green food coloring.
Once the cake is cool, crumble it into a large bowl. Stir in the pudding and 1/2 of the un-colored cookie crumbs.
Line your shoebox with the plastic liner (or cut a garbage bag down to fit the box) and dump the cake mixture inside.
Microwave a few Tootsie rolls for 10-15 seconds (until soft) and shape them into cat turds. If you have never seen a cat turd you should probably not make this cake, as its grossness will be completely lost on you. Bury the turds in the cake randomly. Sprinkle most of the remaining cookie crumbs on top, sprinkle some green crumbs over the top of that (those resemble those odor-eating “crystals” in cat litter.) Shape a few more Tootsie rolls into poop and place them on top. Sprinkle those with some cookie crumbs and serve with a clean litter scoop.
