DVD Review: Flesh, TX
Flesh, TX (2009)
Studio: Well Go USA
Release Date: September 29, 2009
Directed By: Guy Crawford
Cast: Kathleen Benner, Eleni C. Krimitsos, Joe Estevez, Davina Joy & Jada Kline.
Review By: Annie Riordan
Ever wonder how the Texas Chainsaw Massacre would have turned out if Leatherface had been a girl? Yeah, me either.
The inbred Barley clan depends upon the seduction skills of their daughter Sugar to lure men home for dinner…literally. Sugar seems to be the only family member who isn’t mentally retarded: her pregnant sister Butter has apparently never seen a comb in her life, her slutty sister Fancy can’t stop masturbating long enough to do anything else (and she’s also black, which is never explained, but whatev) and her badly-mulleted brother is played by Joe Estevez. ‘nuff said.
For a very long half an hour, we get to watch Sugar shake her shit for the camera and lead stupid rednecks back home to the hungry clan, who like to play with their food before eating. Finally, Sugar lures a little girl out of a gas station and her frantic mom comes looking for her. Unfortunately, the town Sheriff is Daddy Barley. Also unfortunately, the film drags on for another 45 minutes before finally ending its torment.
Flesh, TX. is supposed to be a spoof. Uh, I think. Too bad it’s not funny. Or well-acted, or professionally shot, or in any way interesting. Kathleen Benner as super slut Sugar is the only cast member who can act, but she’s got nothing to work with. The script is a total dud and mostly just calls for Sugar to walk around like her hips are on ball bearings and her ass might at any moment launch itself loose from its moorings and squirt off to one side. Still, it beats the hell out of Joe Estevez’s role, which sees the veteran actor of many a shitty horror film standing around, sweating, and sporting a wig that looks like it was ripped off of the original Michael Myers mask.
The film takes way too long to get moving and doesn’t really pay off. One brief nudity scene + next to no violence x a lot of overlong scenes featuring painfully wooden acting = a huge ass YAWN from an audience who deserves better. You’d be better off watching TCM3, and that’s sayin’ somethin’. No offense Viggo, but let’s be real: do you even put that movie on your resume anymore?
Brutal As Hell Rating: 0 out of 5
