DVD Review: Death Bed: The Bed That Eats
Death Bed: The Bed that Eats (1977)
Studio: Cult Epics
DVD Release Date: April 27, 2004
Directed By: George Barry
Cast: Demene Hall, William Russ, Dave Marsh, Julie Ritter & Rosa Luxemburg.
Review By: Annie Riordan
Once upon a time, a demon fell in love with a very ordinary looking girl and created a huge, four poster bed out of thin air, hoping to seduce her. The trick works, but the girl dies during the act itself, apparently because the demon was hung like John Holmes times twenty and a mortal girl can only take so much. Anyway, the grief stricken demon sheds tears of blood onto the beds mattress, transforming the innocent piece of furniture into a ravenous monster which eats anyone stupid enough to lie upon it.
Now, centuries later, the bed resides in a brick cellar, the only structure left standing of a once grandiose mansion. It seems that the bed, in a petulant fury, destroyed the rest of the house some years earlier. The ghost of a sickly young artist (hinted at being Aubrey Beardsley, although this is never confirmed nor denied) whom the bed consumed long ago, sits patiently behind his own painting of the bed, helplessly watching as one victim after another succumbs to the munching mattress. In his sixty years as a helpless ghost, he’s watched the bed consume elderly ladies, gangsters, little girls, priests and young lovers alike.
Now, it’s the 1970s and a trio of girls show up at the ruins, looking for a weekend getaway. Meanwhile, one of the girls’ brother is sent to find and retrieve his neurotic sister, who is revealed as a habitual runaway. Arriving at the ruins, he finds his sister and her friend consumed, and one shell shocked girl trapped within the room. Can they find a way to stop the bed? Can the artist free his soul? And is there enough Pepto Bismal in the world to sooth the bed’s gastrointestinal distress?
Now, how could I have possibly passed up a movie about a bed that eats people? The very idea suggests high camp and promises to be one of those “so bad it’s good” guilty pleasure flicks. But to my surprise, it was neither. Indeed, Death Bed has its moments of dark comedy (especially the aforementioned Pepto Bismal scene) but its atmosphere is very much Victorian Gothic, despite the 70s setting.
The dialog is minimal (thank god), the bulk of the film narrated by the dead artist or by the inner thoughts of the soon-to-be victims. None of the “actors” can act worth a damn, but occasionally this works to the films advantage, especially during a scene in which Brother sticks his hands into the mattress and pulls them out after a fierce struggle to find them completely skeletonized. “Oh great.” he deadpans, as the rotting cartilage causes his bones to rapidly decay and fall off. He shows no pain, and his real retracted hands are clearly visible within his long sleeves. Indeed, none of the victims seem to feel their own flesh melting off their bones, their facial expressions registering dull surprise or annoyed confusion as they put up a half-hearted struggle to free themselves.
The bed itself is the best character, cheerfully munching, crunching and chewing its way through the cast, and then loudly snoring as it dreams of eating entire cities and making headline news, giggling madly as it awakens and senses a meal about to lie down upon it. It really is funny in a sick, immature kind of way, like a naughty second grader telling a fart joke to his friends.
It’s a tad overlong, the blood looks like cheap paint and it’s all rather silly, but come ON! It’s about a BED that EATS PEOPLE! How cool is that? If you thought Johnny Depp’s death scene in the first Nightmare On Elm Street movie was cool, then you have to see this shit! And beware ever after of saggy mattresses.
Brutal As Hell Rating:
3 out of 5
