Staff Kills: Summer Holiday Special!
‘Staff Kills’ Summer Holiday Special: Top Five Islands in the Sun!
It’s that time of year again. The temperature rises, the schools close, and we head off with the family for interminably long journeys to remote destinations without the faintest idea as to what awaits us. Yes, it’s summer holiday time! And who doesn’t dream of an idyllic vacation on a remote, sunny island? So, ever eager to broaden the minds of the public, we at Brutal As Hell Towers decided to put our heads together and came up with our top five floating land masses, ideal for the discerning tourist who’s looking for something just that little bit different.
5) Scalleum – as seen in Evil Aliens
Looking for a quiet getaway with a rustic, rural appeal? Then look no further than this gorgeous little spot off the south coast of Wales. Free from shops and pubs and populated only by a few farmers and their cows, this place brings new meaning to the term laid back. The perfect place to kick back and escape the rat race for a little while.
Things to see & do: boasts a beautiful coastline, and is home to The Devil’s Teeth, a unique ancient stone circle monument.
Possible drawbacks: occasionally frequented by aggressive extra-terrestrial beings, who have been known to forcibly impregnate women, anally probe men, and bloodily dismember anyone that is seen to pose a threat.
4) Summerisle – as seen in The Wicker Man
Ah – the name says it all, doesn’t it? This delightful island off the north of Scotland is truly a world unto itself. Famed for its delicious apples, you’ll find a whole new philosophy of life among the charming cottages, the rolling green hills and the breathtaking cliffs.
Things to see & do: ruined church, village pub stocked up with real ale, unique religious festivities, vibrant community known to frequently burst into song and have sex in public.
Possible drawbacks: due to the likelihood of being roasted alive as a sacrificial offering to the god of the orchard, any pious Christian virgins may wish to steer clear.
IMPORTANT FOOTNOTE: in the past few years a matriarchal beekeeping community in the United States has attempted to pass itself off as Summerisle. We at Brutal As Hell strongly recommend against visiting this pale imitation. As Coca-Cola has long told us, you can’t beat the real thing.
3) Matool – as seen in Zombie/Zombi 2/Zombie Flesh Eaters/various other titles…
If the British Isles don’t seem the most exotic of holiday destinations, then try this one on for size. A glorious secluded little hideaway, bathed in Caribbean heat. And for those seeking a little culture, there’s a history of voodoo on the island. Fascinating, and not in any way off-putting, don’t you think?
Things to see & do: kick back, go scuba diving in the nude, do some questionable scientific research.
Possible drawbacks: tendency for the deceased to rise up out of the ground and eat the flesh of the living. Also has been known to have a spot of shark trouble, but the living dead generally take care of that.
2) Amity – as seen in Jaws
Should you be looking for something a little more homely, with an All-American apple-pie appeal, then Amity is the place for you. The kind of picturesque beach town that stays in your heart forever, it’s a wonderful place to spend the summer for young and old alike.
Things to see & do: sun, sea, sand, beach barbeques, moonlight swims – the works.
Possible drawbacks: popular spot for great white sharks with a taste for human flesh and blood. Also, in exceptional circumstances these great whites have been known to actually follow those who flee the island into tropical waters. I know, we thought that was an unbelievably stupid notion as well.
1) Skull Island – as seen in King Kong
If you’re talking bona fide once-in-a-lifetime experience, the holiday to make you the envy of all your friends and neighbours and give you stories to tell the grandkids, then it’s got to be Skull Island. Flourishing with plant and animal life that you won’t find anywhere else on the planet (in this time period at least), it’s such a rare spot that you’ll struggle to find a map that shows its location, and it’s only been successfully captured on film a handful of times. And it’s debatable as to how successful the last two expeditions were. The 1970’s one didn’t even have any dinosaurs, and the most recent one didn’t seem aware of the maxim “too much of a good thing.”
Things to see & do: breathtaking scenery, rare and unique wildlife.
Possible drawbacks: extreme likelihood of being eaten alive, trampled to a pulp and/or otherwise killed by giant primates, prehistoric monsters, oversized insects and cannibalistic indigenous people. Blondes are advised to go in disguise. And, on the off chance that you should decide to take the giant primate back home to western civilisation, for the love of god don’t take it anywhere near a frozen lake or things are bound to get unbearably sentimental.
Brutal As Hell hope you have found this feature inspiring and informative, and wish you well on all your summer travels. Might not be a bad idea to make sure all your affairs are in order before you go though, yeah?
