DVD Review: Simon Says
Simon Says (2006)
Studio: Lionsgate
DVD Release Date: June 23, 2009
Directed By: William Dear
Cast: Crispin Glover, Carrie Finklea, Greg Cipes, Margo Harshman & Blake Lively
Review By: Annie Riordan
Five stupid college kids head out into the stupid woods for a stupid weekend of acting very stupidly. Unfortunately, they make the mistake of stopping by a dingy general store and making some stupid remarks in the presence of the deranged clerk behind the counter. If you’ve seen even one slasher film in your entire life, you can pretty much guess what happens from that point on. The slut, the jock and the uptight bitch get killed, some more people wander on set just to prolong the violence a little, and the nice girl ends up facing off with the killer.
Or rather, killers. Simon Says is kinda the gory version of Pinky & The Brain – one is retarded, the other’s insane. And they both like to kill. Oh, and they’re also both played by Crispin Glover, a man who really doesn’t need to stretch much to convince us of the fact that he’s an unhinged mental furball.
Indeed, Glover is the only reason to watch this film. You’re either a diehard fan of his, or you’re so freaked out by his over-the-top perverseness and skin-crawlingly intense skeeviness that you can’t help but watch him…not unlike the proverbial road accident. I’m in the latter category, myself. The dude is undeniably talented. I’ll even go so far as to admit that said dude exudes a deeply creepy aura of animal sexiness. But I would be loathe to be left alone in a room with him, unless he were restrained, sedated, and separated from me by ten foot thick aquarium glass topped with razor wire…and even then, I’m not sure.
Gold stars and purple hearts to actress Margo Harshman, who not only has the dubious honor of portraying the girl upon whom Glover becomes fixated, but who also is required to climb all over the guy like a bitch funky sex machine. Somehow, I doubt that the raw nervousness she exhibited in that scene was an act. Glover spends 95% of the film shouting himself hoarse with a thick hillbilly accent (which gets annoying pretty quickly, truth be told), but when his “dream girl” mounts him like a pony at a petting zoo, his total silence and unblinking stare is far more unsettling than the lame one-liners he’s been forced to regurgitate up to that point.
Aside from an endless supply of pickaxes, a catapult and Glover himself, there’s not much to recommend this movie. It’s a standard issue slasher that just happens to boast a star performance by a truly insane man. Watch it for him, if you must, but don’t expect much else.
Brutal As Hell Rating:
2 out of 5
