DVD Review: Platoon of the Dead
Platoon of the Dead (2008)
Studio: Tempe DVD
Theatrical Release Date: June 16, 2009
Directed By: John Bowker
Cast: Chris Keown, Amanda Bounds, Tyler David, Tom Stedham & Michelle Mahoney
Review By: Annie Riordan
A word of advice, if I may. If you and your friends are planning to head up to Grampy’s cabin in the woods for a weekend of paintballing, and you get bored after the first two hours, please do NOT stop and make a zombie film with whatever you have on hand. And if you do, then for Chrissakes, keep it on a VHS tape and just watch it with your friends the next time you get your drunk on. Please, do NOT release and distribute it on DVD and make the rest of us suffer. Why do you hate us? What did we ever do to you?
Featuring a cast of wooden nobodies, plastic toy machine guns that shoot pew-pew laser lights and gooey handfuls of “blood” which looks suspiciously like watered down peanut butter, Platoon of the Dead is an excruciatingly painful way to waste an hour and twenty minutes. Apparently, zombies have taken over the world and only three soldiers remain to battle the armies of the undead. The “armies” of the undead seem to be made up of two or three guys stumbling around the woods. Our “soldiers” consist of The Dweeby One, The Misogynistic One and The Nice One, whose very unmilitary waist-length hair and eye-makeup are more distracting than those Skippy smeared zombies outside.
The boys stumble upon a cabin where three girls are hiding out: the Tough Brunette, the Slightly Slutty Blonde and the Mute Innocent Girl. They bicker amongst themselves, engage in some seriously unsexy dry humping and read their lines as though they were reading from the dictionary. “Let us make some standard jokes about the size of our penises. Ha ha, that sure was funny. Oh. My Gosh. There. Are. Zombies. Oh ow, you have pulled my eye out of my socket. Oh no, we must run.” Somewhere in this mess is a subplot about demonic incantations, but who cares? I doubt most people will make it that far anyway without falling asleep or stuffing the unused portion of the disc back in its envelope and giving it a one star rating on Netflix before settling down to properly mourn the loss of their rental fee.
Don’t let this happen to you. Don’t waste your time on this movie. You could probably make a better one yourself. But think twice before releasing it on DVD, willya please? Do us all a favor and give it a go on YouTube first.
Brutal As Hell Rating:
0 out of 5
