DVD Review: Born
Born (2007)
Studio: Lionsgate
Theatrical Release Date: June 16, 2009
Directed By: Richard Friedman
Cast: Alison Brie, Kane Hodder, Denise Crosby, Eddie Velez & Joan Severance
Review By: Annie Riordan
Asmodeus walks into a psychiatrist’s office…
Oh, I’m sorry. Were you expecting a punch line? Well don’t hold your breath. I was merely letting you know how this pathetic piece of cinematic shit begins with Asmodeus walking in a shrink’s office. From there it only gets worse, much worse.
You know, my mommy always told me that if I lowered my expectations I’d never be disappointed (yes, we’re Catholic). However, I had zero expectations going into Born, the latest straight-to-DVD horror flick from Lionsgate – not to be confused with The Unborn, which also features a hot, tight-assed brunette plagued by demons – and disappointed does not even begin to cover how this cinematic colostomy bag left me feeling.
Born lamely launches into the bare bones tale of Mary Elizabeth, a goody two shoes virgin who gets knocked up by a demon whilst wandering through a cemetery one day. A doctor’s exam proves that she’s still a virgin, so her pregnancy must be one o’ them thar Holy Jesus Immaculate Conceptions, right? Well, no, of course not. The Greatest Story Ever Told, this ain’t…pun definitely intended.
Anyway, Mary Elizabeth is soon cursing a blue streak, eating dogs, hanging around with an albino henchman who looks like Clint Howard (but sadly isn’t), fucking some dipshitty guy to death and engaging in some tepid lesbianism with her best friend/1-900 sex operator because her demonic love child has made her all evil and stuff. Borrowing elements from such films as The People Under The Stairs, Teeth, Motel Hell, Demon Hunter and Child Of Darkness, Child Of Light, Born is just a convoluted, juvenile mess that’ll have you squirming in uncomfortable embarrassment for everyone involved. It’s not funny, it’s not scary and it never should have been picked up and distributed. By the time Mary Elizabeth’s unborn fetus popped its cartoonish little head out of a trapdoor in her tiny little titty, I very nearly rammed my foot through the fucking screen in exasperated annoyance. I’d already ground my teeth down to a mouthful of fine porcelain powder, what’s a few dozen stitches or so?
This flick is not only insulting to horror fans, it’s also offensive to demons. Do you really expect me to believe that Asmodeus – a king among demons, according to religious lore – is not going to take note of the fact that his new shrink’s name is Dr. Sammael and maybe think it’s a bit odd? Come ON! I can only hope that the real Asmodeus hunts your ass down and rams his royal scepter straight up your chute.
Congrats, Born – you have officially nabbed a slot in my personal Top 5 Films I Wanted To Murder list, wedged right in between Succubus: Hellbent and Mr. Jingles. Shame on you, movie, for being lazy, sloppy and arrogant enough to think that you could get away with this cheap shit without anyone noticing.
Oh, and c’mon Kane Hodder – you don’t need a paycheck THIS bad, do you?
Brutal As Hell Rating:
Negative 5 out of 5
