Blood: The Last Vampire (2009)

Studio: Warner Brothers

Theatrical Release Date (UK): June 26, 2009

Directed By: Chris Nahon

Cast: Gianna, Allison Miller, Liam Cunningham, Koyuki, Colin Salmon

Review By: Benjamin Bussey

 
Watch out. I feel a rant coming on.

Pretty young oriental woman in a schoolgirl outfit killing monsters with a sword. Let me just write that one more time. Pretty young oriental woman in a schoolgirl outfit killing monsters with a sword. She’s got kick-ass super ninja fighting ability, she lops off heads, hacks off limbs, splits bodies vertically down the middle, and her skirt billows upwards as she does so. How oh how can you fuck that up? How can such a glorious concept result in so mind-bogglingly dull a movie as Blood: The Last Vampire?

I was really thinking the time might be right for a new martial arts monster movie. I loved the first two Blade movies, but aside from the bland but watchable TV show that franchise is long dead. Meanwhile Ultraviolet and the Underworld movies, being by and large overwhelmingly uninteresting, have largely faded into the background. (Even though, yes, there was an Underworld movie out this year, which I haven’t seen.) It’s a very strange thought that films of this nature, heavy on wire-fu, slow-mo and CG assisted action, are in 2009 starting to seem retro. Yeesh. I’m not that old, am I? Matrix wasn’t really that long ago, was it? With this, and the fact that there is now such a thing as a 90’s bar – yep, not just 70’s and 80’s bars, but fucking 90’s bars… really puts things in perspective. Too much fucking perspective, as David St. Hubbins put it.

Hmm. Ever get the impression that I’m trying to avoid talking about the film itself?  Well, you’d be right. Because there’s sweet FA to tell. There is absolutely nothing here that you haven’t seen done a hundred times, and a hundred times better.

Okay, okay, my conscience is demanding I provide at least the most basic of synopsis, and I should probably point out that I have no knowledge of the anime that the movie is adapted from and as such have no clue how loyal it is. Basically, our heroine Saya (Gianna, a Korean pop star apparently) is an immortal lone warrior waging an ancient secret war against the creatures of the night. But seriously, are these eternal demonic wars going on by night in the streets of our human cities really that secret anymore? Because they seem to be going on everywhere. And everywhere they happen, we get dull human characters pottering in for no purpose other than to have someone who can ask “but why is this happening?” so our heroine can reply, “well, it all started a thousand years ago, blah blah…” But at least N’Bushe Wright in Blade and Scott Speedman in Underworld came to have a degree of importance to the plot, and moved things forward somewhat. But Blood’s dull human, Alice (Miller), serves absolutely no function whatsoever other than to make the audience say “phew, a Caucasian, now we won’t feel alienated.” She’s an utterly lifeless, pointless character, much the same as her whole subplot involving the usual military/government/secret society paranoia malarkey, doing nothing but padding things out. The result is a movie that’s 85% stuffing.

And the remaining 15%? The meat, or so one would hope? Well, from my overall tone thus far I don’t think you’re going to be too taken aback by what I have to say, but… it’s tepid, tedious, formulaic, and utterly uninvolving. But worst of all, it’s joyless. Think back to the Blade movies; sure, they had that cold visual aesthetic, that grim proto-emo atmosphere, but they also had Wesley Snipes pulling absurd Johnny Bravo-ish poses, growling his lines in a deadpan drawl – in short, having fun. Even the diabolical Blade: Trinity had room for Ryan Reynolds cracking wise. But there’s absolutely no sense of fun in Blood. Now, I’m sorry, but I just have to say this one more time: pretty young oriental woman in a schoolgirl outfit killing monsters with a sword. For fuck’s sake, how can you not have fun with that?

I don’t blame Gianna – at the risk of being condescending, it’s very apparent that she’s not too fluent in English, and is doing the best she can with the direction she’s been given. That doesn’t mean she’s a bad actress. Christ, even the mighty Chow Yun-Fat struggles to perform well in English. No, I pin the blame squarely on the writers, the director, the editor, the producers, the guy who made the coffee, and anyone else watching things develop who should have taken a step back and said, “hey, you know what guys? This is boring as shit. Maybe we should, I dunno, throw in a sense of humour? Cut back on the American bullshit? Disregard this 1970’s period setting that has no bearing on anything other than to attempt a Vietnam allegory about the futility of war that has long since ceased to be fresh or interesting in any way? Also, can someone please tell Colin Salmon that he can’t do an American accent to save his life, no matter how many times he tries? And please, people, can we try to remember that we’re making a movie about a pretty young oriental woman in a schoolgirl outfit killing monsters with a sword?!”

I kind of doubt I need to say anything more. But on the off-chance that any of the above seems ambiguous, I’ll put it as simply as I can. Blood: The Last Vampire is a complete and total waste of time and money, so do not throw away yours watching it. Go paint your walls a new shade of marigold, then watch it dry, and I’ll wager you’ll find that a lot more rewarding.

Brutal As Hell rating:

1 ½ out of 5