Scourge (2008)

Studio: Lionsgate

DVD Release Date: February 24, 2009

Directed By: Jonas Quastel

Cast: Nic Rhind, Robyn Ledoux, Russell Ferrier, Marina Pasqua & Jason Harder

Brutal As Hell Rating: 1 ½ out of 5 stars

Review By: Annie Riordan

Hokay, lemme see if I can get this straight: Um…a hundred and some years ago, some guy was condemned by the church and taken out into a rainstorm where a lucky bolt of lightening just happened to come down and electrocute him.

Now, a hundred and some years later, a guy with a face like a bust of Jean-Claude Van Damme carved out of silly putty rides through town on his motorcycle whilst whitebread pop music plays in the background. He stares longingly at an anorexic Courtney Cox lookalike while her uncle The Sheriff tells him to stay away from her. With the poor-boy -loves-rich-girl subplot firmly established, the film then moves on to a burned out ruin at an old church. And yes, it’s the church where the confusing prologue took place – gosh, who’s surprised? A lone firefighter is attacked and invaded by something in the hidden basement room and wanders off in a daze, determined only to stuff his face with whatever food he can find.

Meanwhile, it’s been revealed that, although Scott (aka Jean-Claude Gosh Darn) is still carrying a torch for Jesse the rich girl, he’s also dating a vacuous blond slut named Lydia, who is cheating on him with – who else? – the infected firefighter! Soon, both are dead and Scott is suspect numero uno! Can he and Jesse prove that he’s innocent? And can they stop the big icky bug stolen from the subplot of The Matrix before it kills the whole town?

If Scourge had come out in the 1980s during the height of splatter film success, it might have fared better. But as a direct-to-video monster movie in this day and age, it’s pretty ridiculous. It’s not without its humor, but bad acting and a severe lack of originality, coupled with a plot that has more gaping holes than a Calcutta whorehouse, weighs heavy on this flick. Also, the gross-out elements present smack of the first Species film (the only one I bothered to watch), and I don’t know about you but watching people shove food into their faces, slop it all over themselves and then loudly burp afterwards is not amusing, and hasn’t been since I left the second grade behind. I could go to any waffle house and watch that shit for free.

Skip this loser. There’s not even enough boobage here to make it worthwhile.