Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)

Studio: Momentum/Alliance

DVD Release Date: March 20, 2009

Directed By: Phil Claydon

Cast: James Corden, Matthew Horne, Myanna Buring, Paul McGann, Lucy Gaskell

Brutal As Hell Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Review By: Benjamin Bussey

Twentysomething best mates Fletch (Corden) and Jimmy (Horne) are at a low point. Jimmy’s just been dumped for the umpteenth time by his domineering sex kitten girlfriend Judy (Gaskell); Fletch has just been… er… fired from his job as a clown for punching a child. They want to get away, but without the requisite cash to get to Ibiza for beaches, clubs and fit birds, they settle on a hiking trip in some random forest in Suffolk. They don’t expect to find much there; certainly not a bunch of alarming attractive female European students; much less a town in the grip of a curse that turns all its womenfolk into undead fiends with a lust for both blood and beaver. Fate’s a bugger sometimes.

There’s a long running series of adverts on British TV with the slogan, “it does exactly what it says on the tin.” These words have become a rallying cry for a great many Brits. It’s a way of saying, this particular book you can judge by its cover. And from the title Lesbian Vampire Killers, you’ve got a pretty good idea of just what you’re going to get.  More recently on British TV, messrs Corden and Horne have for many become irritatingly ubiquitous, with a couple of comedy shows and innumerable presenting/guest appearance gigs under their belt. (A lesser man would now make a crack about how sizeable Corden’s belt must be.) Still, for myself I’ve managed to somehow miss most of their TV work, and how well seen any of it is outside of the UK I’m not sure. So hopefully a good portion of the audience will be able to approach Lesbian Vampire Killers as a film in its own right, rather than a star vehicle, much the same way as the many who hadn’t seen Spaced were able to appreciate Shaun of the Dead.

Yes – I mentioned Shaun. You can hardly avoid making the comparison – which, frankly, I think the filmmakers are counting on. The parallels are obvious: comedy double act from TV, one fat and one thin, going to the big screen with a comedic take on vintage horror. But Shaun was a love letter from a team very well versed in the zombie genre, whereas (and I freely admit I’ve got nothing to back up this statement) it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if the makers of Lesbian Vampire Killers had never watched any lesbian vampire films. Sure, they make Carmilla their big bad, make use of some nice old fashioned Gothic set design, and get the girls to speak in thick European accents: one of them says literally nothing but “ja.” But there is little of the old-school vibe that the trailers hinted at. Not that this need be an issue, as it’s still well-paced, energetic and slick-looking enough to keep the not-too discerning viewer entertained.

The more discerning, however, may be left feeling just a little short-changed. The script feels like it was just a draft or two away from being ready. There are too many inconsistencies in the characters, too many subplots that reach unsatisfying conclusions, and way too many places where, rather than crafting an actual joke, someone just says “bollocks,” “cock” or “fuck.” This is a particular problem with Paul McGann’s Van Helsing-ish Vicar, who is never particularly funny and serves only for exposition. Now, there’s nothing wrong with a bit of base level schoolboy humour, but even that doesn’t go as far/low as it could. For one thing, how is it that the vampires have white blood, yet no-one ever comments how it looks uncannily like semen? Indeed, avoiding red blood is an odd decision; presumably it was intended to keep the rating down, but with the swearing and occasional snippets of nudity this was never going to be a PG. This highlights the movie’s key problem: it seems wary of going too far. It’s never as funny, gory, scary or anywhere near as smutty as it might have been given the premise.

But none of this should be taken to mean that Lesbian Vampire Killers isn’t a fun ninety minutes. It’s no Shaun of the Dead, Corden and Horne are no Pegg and Frost, and Phil Claydon’s no Edgar Wright, however much they might all like to be. But even so, they’ve still put together a film that will provoke plenty of smirks and chuckles, if no great belly laughs (and if you’ve seen the trailer, you’ve seen most of the funniest bits). Again, a lesser writer might now make a gag about Corden involving the words ‘great belly,’ but that would be beneath me. So, with no better closing line coming to mind, I’ll finish this review the way the guys behind Lesbian Vampire Killers would, by simply saying… fucking cock bollocks.