Theatrical Review: Friday the 13th (2009)
Friday the 13th (2009)
Studio: Paramount/New Line
DVD Release Date: February 13, 2009
Directed By: Marcus Nispel
Cast: Derek Mears, Jared Padelecki, Danielle Panabaker, Amanda Righetti, Travis Van Winkle, Julianna Guill
Brutal As Hell Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
Review By: Benjamin Bussey
And so, the moment of truth. With a large percentage of this century’s major horror fare being remakes, seemingly no cow to sacred to be lead to the slaughter – Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Black Christmas, Halloween – it was inevitable that Friday the 13th would get lined up for the chopping block. Of course, unlike the other aforementioned movies, Friday the 13th was never exactly a sacred cow in the first place. Even diehard fans will admit that it’s far from an innovative movie. Starting from scratch should in theory be fine, as in effect every successive film in the series was little more than a remake of what went before. The key thing about Friday the 13th – by which I mean not just the original movie, but the entire ridiculous twelve film franchise – is that it’s fun. It’s not smart. It’s not groundbreaking. It’s not even particularly scary, but it’s great fun. And that was all the Platinum Dunes reboot needed to be. That’s not asking too much… is it?
Apparently so. For Marcus Nispel’s Friday the 13th is one of the dullest entries of the series to date. Not only does it totally fail to give the franchise a breath of fresh air, it also seems to not have the vaguest grasp of what made the franchise entertaining in the first place. Far from the blazing return to form we had hoped for, it’s just another tedious, mediocre, largely predictable studio slasher the likes of which we have seen all too often.
Credit where it’s due, though; this is one back-to-square-one film that really can’t be classed as a remake. While the opening scenes broadly replay the events of parts one and two (think the opening retread of Army of Darkness – but straight-faced), once the main plot kicks in it’s not a direct retread of any of its predecessors. Taking this kind of Casino Royale-ish reboot approach is perfectly fine; as I said, these films are practically all remakes of each other anyway. And so we have the classic set-up of a bunch of college buddies heading out into the woods for a weekend of partying in a secluded lakeside cabin. Also heading to Crystal Lake, in a tip of the hat to part four, is a loner in search of his missing sister, one the first batch of victims from the opening sequence. This loner is played by the younger brother from Supernatural (what, is it a rule that every remake has to star one of those two now?), who naturally approaches his role far more seriously than he should and winds up looking all the more ridiculous for it. Again, fine; these movies have always starred up-and-coming actors out to make an impact and embarrassing themselves by trying to carve serious performances out of puerile material. But this is 2009. Scream was well over a decade ago. You try to play this stuff totally straight and totally serious and you’re asking for trouble.
Sadly, that’s exactly what this film does on almost every level. Nispel employs that same pseudo-gritty aesthetic he employed to such debatable effect on his TCM rehash, and it simply isn’t appropriate for Friday the 13th. And it’s not just the direction and cinematography. The tone is wrong on almost every level. Take that most key of elements, the kills: they just don’t feel like Jason kills. An early twist on the classic sleeping bag gag takes a distastefully sadistic, drawn-out, Saw-like approach. That may be considered the style of these times, but… forgive my dewey-eyed nostalgia, but that’s just not how our ol’ Jason does it. The whole approach taken to Jason here is very different, making him more of a cunning survivalist who sets traps, abducts, and – for some the biggest shocker of all – runs. Fair enough; Bay’s boys wanted their Jason to stand apart. As character reinventions go, it’s certainly not as unpalatable as Rob Zombie’s pop-psychology interpretation of Michael Myers. But it still isn’t the Jason we know and love.
Again, to give credit where it’s due, one essential element which this movie undeniably gets right is the crotch bait. Good grief, there are some very foxy ladies here, and if my calculations are correct exactly two thirds of them have the good grace to get naked. I’d go so far as to say these are the best nude scenes in the franchise to date. But then again, Part V: A New Beginning had some tremendous boobage too, and that wasn’t enough to save it from being one of the feeblest entries. And so it is here.
Audience reactions thus far seem to be akin to the tent-sex girl in Jason Goes To Hell: yup, split right up the middle. (Trust me, that pun isn’t any feebler than most of the gags in this movie.) From a certain point of view, it does pretty much everything a Jason movie should do. And who knows, maybe when some time has passed I’ll be able to class Nispel’s Friday the 13th as a relatively decent installment in this most absurd of franchises. But right now, to my astonishment, I can’t keep one thought from repeating mantra-like in my head: “Come back Jason Takes Manhattan, all is forgiven…”
