Two Front Teeth (2008)

Studio: TLA Releasing

DVD Release Date: November 25, 2008

Directed By: Jamie Nash, David Thomas Sckrabulis

Cast: Megan Pearson, Johnny Francis Wolf, Michael Brecher, Joseph L. Johnson, Eric Messner

Brutal As Hell Rating: 3 ½ out of 5 stars

Review By: Marc Patterson

C’mon you all know that damn jingle and can’t help yourselves from singing it.  “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth, my two front teeth, my two front teeth…”  Oh it makes me ill to the pits of my gurgling stomach.  I’ve always hated that song.  My aversion however, doesn’t seem as intense as Gabe aversion to Santa Claus.  Just the mere sight of ol’ Kris Kringle is enough to put him in the fetal position.

Gabe (Johnny Francis Wolf) is mild-mannered reporter for a tabloid paper The X-Mas Files.  His big claim to fame is his coverage of a Christmas conspiracy story concerning an unfortunate flight (Flight 1225) that met head on with one of Santa’s reindeer one evening.  All the passengers died in the crash, but Gabe managed to stumble across the truth of what happened from a secret source.  Gabe’s boss Ed (Michael Brecher) won’t lay off Gabe about divulging his source, but that’s a minor sideline story.  At the office Ed tells Gabe his wife is screwing around on him.  Tough news.  He gives Gabe a gun, for “just in case”.

When Gabe comes home he finds his beautiful wife Noel (Megan Pearson) bound to a chair and the head (just the head) of her secret lover going in circles around the railroad track under the tree.  Eww.  Well, Gabe about loses it.  More in a “I want to flip out, but am too geeky to do anything but throw a hissy fit” kind of way.  But this story isn’t about Pete’s loveless marriage that’s about to come to a crashing halt.  There are far bigger elves to fry.  That’s right.  Elves.  And elves that come straight from the pit of hell.  You see, Santa is a blood sucking vampire with an army of zombie elves that just won’t die.  They have their sites targeted straight on Gabe, as he holds the secret to that fateful night when Flight 1225 when down.  Ahhh… and so the red-nose drops.  It always comes down to world domination doesn’t it?

Technically speaking the film isn’t of the highest caliber, but you don’t really expect it to be do you?  I mean, look at the DVD cover.  This ain’t exactly A Miracle on 34^th Street.  The effects aren’t overly wonderful and at times the film appears visually grainy, a bothersome feature predominant with dark shoots on digital video.  But let’s not lament too much.  After all, there are more than enough positives to make up for these minor mishaps. 

In a low budget Christmas nightmare it tends to fall on the cast to carry the night.  And this truth is evident here.  While everyone did a commendable job it was Megan Pearson who delivered a standout performance that quite honestly sold the film for me.  Sure, you had to love the awkward character of Gabe, who couldn’t hold a pistol without shaking at the wrist.  (Did anyone else think that he looks kinda like a cross between Christopher Reeves and Stephen King?  And I mean that in the best complimentary way.)  But Pearson was just wonderful.  She had the best lines (and hilarious ones at that) and the strongest character.  I gotta admit, I was a little bit turned on. 

While Two Front Teeth isn’t perfect by a long shot it’s still a hell of a good time and packs some sweet punches for sure, in a very tongue in cheek kind of way.  If a vampire Santa and zombie elves weren’t enough for you the filmmakers threw in a gunslinging cowboy that’s a sure knock off for Tony Todd.  Topped off with a trio of ninja nun assassins’ this film is ripe to become a new holiday classic.  Pick this one up today or just drop by the mall and ask Santa for it.  Whatever gets your rocks off pal.