DVD Review: Teeth
Teeth (2007)
Studio: Dimension Extreme
DVD Release Date: May 6, 2008
Directed By: Mitchell Lichtenstein
Cast: Jess Weixler, John Hensley, Josh Pais, Hale Appleman
Brutal As Hell Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
Review By: Marc Patterson
Oh the horror! Will I ever get the vicious sounds of gnashing vagina out of my head? “Gnashing vagina”, words I would have never thought in my life I would put to print, or even utter. But I can promise you – I do not regret it. Not for one moment. Teeth has proven to me to be a superb piece of horror cinema. This is the kind of film you’ll want to watch in rapturous anguish over and over again.
Dawn (Jess Weixler) is a young upstanding member and leader of a Christian purity group “The Promise”, (As in I promise not to have sex, masturbate, etc until I’m married.) But, she’s also a teenage girl with hormones running wild and is starting to find it hard to control her urges. Problem is Dawn is special, and maybe not so much in a good way. Thanks to some genetic mutation caused by her parents living in close proximity to a nuclear power factory she’s been born with a rare and quite deadly condition, “vagina dentata”, or teeth in her vagina. Take her mutation, combine it with a few horny teenage boys that don’t understand the meaning of “No means no”, add in a perverted gynecologist for good measure, and you have one awkward, uncomfortable, and quite wonderful coming of age/female empowerment story with a horrifying twist.
From the onset of this film you’ll likely find the premise to be among the most bizarre, but as you settle into it, every woman will be applauding at the justifiable violence that unfolds, and any good men should be as well.
The star of the film is easily Jess Weixler’s character, Dawn. Dawn maintains a cute innocence about her, with a pure sense of adolescent awkwardness that reminds you a bit of a pre-Tarantino Uma Thurman. You love her to pieces but at the same time are absolutely terrified of what her vagina will do next. Full of endearing characters, well played out scenes, great direction, and an original story, this film nears perfection, and certainly will play out to be one of the best horror DVD releases of 2008. (Keep in mind I’m not exactly known for such liberal endorsements).
My one and only gripe with this film was that for the incredible amount of severed dick we saw there unfortunately was not one shot of the famed “Vagina Dentata”. Not that you want to see it for the sexual titillation, but more out of curiosity for a visual of the monster that’s wreaking immense havoc. But, on the other hand, perhaps it was a good thing that this was left out. Seeing such a thing would have been damn creepy, and would make any guy think twice before having sex again!
Teeth can easily be heralded as a cautionary tale, but please, let’s not take it too seriously. After all, the film keeps a fair sense of humor about it and provides several laugh out loud moments. Teeth should find its way quickly to your must-see list and will be well worth purchasing as you’ll likely want to watch this nasty little piece a few times over. Thanks to the tremendously good mood it put me in, I’m giving this film a generous 4 out of 5 stars, and a standing ovation.
