DVD Review: Cheerleader Massacre
Cheerleader Massacre (2003)
Studio: New Concorde
DVD Release Date: April 8, 2005
Directed By: Jim Wynorski
Cast: Tamie Sheffield, Charity Rahmer, Erin Byron, Leonard Johnson, E. Eddie Edwards
Brutal As Hell Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
Review By: Marc Patterson
Just say the words “Cheerleader Massacre”. Do it right now. Say it out loud. “Cheerleader Massacre.” Put those words in any sentence within any context. I can’t think of any context that would possibly evoke a response that wouldn’t say “blond bimbo’s getting slaughtered.” Let’s face facts. With a title like this you know what you’re in for before you even get home from the video store. However because, like a good scout, I’m always prepared, let’s take a quick look at my personal checklist of items I expect to see from this film. Later we’ll revisit to see how things faired.
· Catty Bimbo’s
· Wretched Cheers
· Nude cheerleaders in the shower
· Terrible, terrible acting
· One name brand hottie
· A predictable killer
· Lots of cheerleaders getting axed, hacked, stabbed, chain sawed etc.
· A hugely fun, yet ultra low budget schlockfest
Okay, we kick into the film in the backwoods. A young couple is getting back to nature in the great outdoors. Unbeknownst to them, a killer is on the loose, and he’s making no moves to disguise his impending presence. Without a lot of drama or suspense, our first two victims are quickly dispatched. But not before we get a sense of what we can expect for the next hour and twenty minutes: plenty of bad dialogue, bad acting, boobie shots, and a bitch of a situation for a lot of unsuspecting victims. However, never knowing exactly what can happen in the unpredictable world of low budget horror we continue with excited anticipation
We then cut to the opening sequence, which is an odd sort of spooky focusing on two angelic figurines. I’m not sure what these have to do with anything, but as everything in this film, you find out eventually. It’s actually uncanny how it works. As soon as you question something in this film as outrageous and absurd it corrects itself. No, that’s not to say that a gap is filled in. No, the film corrects itself. It’s almost as if the filmmaker realized what he did, and went back to create some sort of explanation (however weak) to explain. And yet, everything has some sort of meaning. It’s almost borderline genius.
Getting into the body of the film we meet our main characters. A group of five cheerleaders is finishing up practice before they head out on a road trip. The coach, Ms Hendricks (Tamie Sheffield) quickly asserts herself as the alpha female of the bunch. No wire hangers? How about no showers longer than 15 minutes! Well, you know what comes next. After the gratuitous shower scene a cheerleader who has separated herself from the pack comes under the knife of our killer. Oh no!
As it is, those damn girls couldn’t keep their showers to fifteen minutes and they miss the bus. Lucky for them they can catch a ride with the AV guy Buzzy (Leonard Johnson), and a couple horny pothead guys from the school. Nobody seems to think much of the missing squad member and thus we are off. Things just get worse and worse. Buzzy loses his sense of direction. We hit a detour. Police are searching for an escaped killer, and soon the van runs out of gas in a snowstorm. Buzzy, Ms Hendricks, and crew decide to hike for shelter and come across a house where the remainder of the film will play out with much suspense. Well, maybe not a hell of a lot of suspense, but enough to get the job done.
The acting in this film is about on par with your standard porn flick, but that doesn’t really matter all that much anyway as this film is about five feet from being a porno itself. To clarify, there’s more shower scenes in this film than Norman Bates would know what to do with. I mean, the poor guy’s head would literally be spinning like that cute little girl from The Exorcist. I’m not kidding! These girls just don’t like to keep their clothes on! And talk about all time role-models. Coach Hendricks is up in the shower, rubbing herself down like she’s auditioning for an Herbal Essence Organic shampoo commercial. (On a side-bar note, did anyone correlate that she went to take the shower after the power is out? And while the rest of the squad sits downstairs in front of the fire, she just flips the light on and takes a nice hot sensual shower?)
The film also goes to a place which very few low-budget films have gone, and ever come back from. Yes, it’s that deep, dark, dismal world of plot twists. Wynorski works that old David Copperfield directorial magic on you and just when you think you know what’s what, you discover you actually knew nothing. Don’t feel alone, because none of the dumb cheerleaders have a clue either. However, in another surprising twist, Wynorski actually pulls it off! The plot-twist works, and rather well at that. Will this film ever cease to amaze? I think not.
Now, let’s revisit that checklist of mine and see how we’ve faired:
· Catty Bimbo’s – You better believe it!
· Wretched Cheers – Only one, but it was still fun.
· Nude cheerleaders in the shower – Does it ever stop?
· Terrible, terrible acting – Yes, on all accounts.
· One name brand hottie – All present and accounted for.
· A predictable killer – Got it.
· Lots of cheerleaders getting axed, hacked, stabbed, chain sawed etc. – Absolutely.
· A hugely fun, yet ultra low budget schlockfest – Hell yeah.
At the end of the credits, you have to admit that this film gives you exactly what you ordered. There’s no guesswork needed. If you rent this and find yourself disappointed, or let down, then shame on you. You knew what you were getting yourself into. There is no one to blame but your own damn self. If you haven’t had enough sleaze by the time the credits finish rolling then head on over to the extras and watch the deleted scene. I only have two words of warning though: Chocolate Syrup.
