Black Christmas (2006)

Studio: Dimension Films

DVD Release Date: April 3, 2007

Directed By: Glen Morgan

Cast: Katie Cassidy, Michelle Trachtenberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Oliver Hudson & Robert Mann

Brutal As Hell Rating: 1 out of 5 stars

Review By: Annie Riordan

This movie is the cinematic equivalent of a big fat turd with a red ribbon tied around it. Who the hell wants to find that under their tree on Christmas morning?

Way back in the year 1970, we learned that little Billy Lenz, a jaundiced “freak” was regularly abused by his disgusting mother, a horse-faced, chain-smoking, butt-ugly harridan who somehow manages to have both a husband and a lover. Neither one live up to Mother’s sexual exploitations, so she seduces Billy when he comes of age and gets herself knocked up with Billy’s sister/daughter Agnes, upon whom Mom lavishes affection. Eewww.

Fast forward a few decades, and Billy’s childhood home has become an exclusive dorm house for vacuous college girls.. Billy himself is sitting in a mental institution after having killed Mom and her lover one Christmas night. It is now Christmas once again, and as the girls exchange gifts, get drunk and fuck each others boyfriends, Billy breaks out of the loony bin using a sharpened candy cane as a weapon. No, I’m not kidding. Meanwhile, the girls start getting killed off one by one and good riddance, quite frankly. Is it Billy? Who cares? I can’t fucking believe I paid full ticket price to see this sack of shit in theaters when it first came out.

This abysmal remake of the 1974 classic (and sadly forgotten) slasher of the same name is an insult to the memory of Bob Clark. It’s not even one of those “so bad it’s good” guilty pleasure slashers – it’s just total shit. Sitting through this painful pile of brain damaged garbage is akin to flossing your teeth with barbed wire: you just don’t do it. I think I;d rather watch the crappy made-for-TV Marlo Thomas version of “It’s A Wonderful Life” on an eternal loop than sit through this stinkburger even once more. You think that a pair of socks is a shitty Christmas present? Woe be to they who should receive this DVD beneath the tree come the morning of the 25th.

Avoid this rancid remake at all costs. Stick with the original, I beg you.