DVD Review: Alive or Dead
Alive or Dead (2008)
Studio: Lions Gate
DVD Release Date: June 17, 2008
Directed By: Stephen Goetsch
Cast: Ann Henson, Angelica May, L. Flint Esquerra & Thomas Crnkovich
Brutal As Hell Rating: 1 1/2 out of 5 stars
Review By: Annie Riordan
While driving down a dark, desert road late one night, Maria is distracted from a smoking hot masturbatory phone sex session with her asshole boyfriend by a yucky bus left parked on the side of the road. Someone has scrawled “HELP ME!” on the window in blood….from the inside!!! After a few moments of indecision, Maria decides to leave, and blows out her two front tires on a couple of cleverly placed nails! After sitting in her SUV, dicking around for another ten minutes, Maria gets out to investigate, and gets just what she deserves. There’s a shitload of body parts on the bus, as well as a frightened girl, chained up and wearing a skin mask. Before Maria can free the girl and escape, the driver gets back on, fails to spot his new passenger and takes off into the desert! Oh the horror! Has Maria masturbated her last?
Wow, this is the biggest turd I’ve seen floating in the horror toilet in quite some time! Coming off as a cheapass mix of Wrong Turn and Jeepers Creepers. Alive Or Dead makes those two flicks look like fucking Oscar winners. Indeed, the story is somewhat original, but so lamely executed it makes your face twitch. I didn’t give two shits whether or not Maria lived, because the dumb bitch couldn’t outwit a staple gun. Indeed, both potential girl-victims wander around dumbly, pausing to look at scrapbooks and old letters instead of getting their bouncy little bottoms the fuck OUT OF THERE! Horny guys looking for cheap thrills shouldn’t get their hopes up either: the girls are pretty but do not get naked. Throw in a few meager handfuls of ketchup-y gore and you’ve got…well, not a whole hell of a lot, to be honest.
Alive Or Dead looks cheaper and comes off dumber than a brain damaged, $2 crackwhore. Skip it.
